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It’s the last thing you’d expect monks of a South Korean Buddhist sect to do – but the proof was there: A picture showing eight monks huddled around a table for a secret poker game in a hotel in the southwest of the country. Secret video footage was filmed by a monk of the same Jogye Order sect and released to the South Korean media – prompting six senior monks to offer their resignation over the scandal. FYI, South Korea has some pretty tough gambling laws, and citizens are not allowed to gamble anywhere at all except at one lone, single casino in the northeast. So if you’re a monk stuck on the other side of the country, itching to play some poker with your mates… well, a man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do…

A monk takes a vow of silence. He’s silent for five years, and then he goes to the head monk. The head monk congratulates him on his achievement, and offers a chance to say two words.
The monk utters, “Bed hard.”
Five more years pass. Finally the monk sees the head monk again.
He is allowed two more words after these ten years.
“Food bad,” he says.
Five years later, the monk is allowed to speak after a total of fifteen years. His words: “I quit.”
“Well, you might as well qui,” replies the head monk. “You’ve been complaining ever since you got here.”

Beyond the pristine beaches, lazy palm trees and incredible views, there is trouble brewing in paradise. Hawaii is one of only two states (Utah is the other) which has absolutely no form of legal gambling and this fact is causing major frustration among its residents who would love to enjoy a flutter now and then. Recently, the police in Honolulu raided a building in the city’s Chinatown and arrested two people for illegal gambling. Six gambling machines were seized, including fruit machines. The same property was raided in 2010 and 2011. I have some advice to hand out: Firstly, to those people who are running the gambling joint: If the police raided you in 2010 and you were caught, and then raided you again in 2011 and you got caught, you don’t need to be a maths whizz to figure out that the odds are really high that they’ll raid you again in 2012 and arrest you again…. And some advice to the authorities in Hawaii…. Chill out! Legalize some forms of gambling. Hey, even the lottery will do!

A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and didn’t see anyone so he opened it.

A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out. The genie said, “For your kindness I will grant you one wish, but only one.”

The man thought for a minute and said, “I have always wanted to go to Hawaii but have never been able to because I’m afraid of flying and ships make me claustrophobic and ill. So I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii.”

The genie thought for a few minutes and said, “No, I don’t think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved with the pilings needed to hold up the highway and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement that would be needed. No, that is just too much to ask.”

The man thought for a minute and then told the genie, “There is one other thing that I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with? Basically, what makes them tick?”

The genie considered for a few minutes and said, “So, do you want two lanes or four?”

So here’s the story of a judge who has zero tolerance for robbers. Two guys, Ugbe Ojile and Kenyatta Erkins, were sentenced to between 31 and 35 years each for following patrons home from casinos in the state of Indiana and robbing them of their winnings. Recently, they also stood trial in Ohio for a similar crime and, after four days of trial, were found guilty and sentenced to 50 years each. The judge ordered that the sentence run AFTER they serve time for their Ohio crimes, meaning that these guys won’t ever see the light of day… Guess they’ll have plenty of time on their hands to sit and think about the tens of thousands of dollars they stole from the professional gamblers!

A woman wakes up in the middle of the night and sees that her husband is not in bed. She hears some faint noises coming from downstairs and gets up to see what he is doing. Following the sounds, she walks through the kitchen and into the basement. Peering through the dark, she sees her husband curled up in the corner, sobbing hysterically. Alarmed, she rushes to him and asks: “Dear, what’s wrong?”

Her husband replies: “Remember when your dad caught us at the back of the car and he said that if I didn’t marry you, he’d have me thrown in jail for twenty years?”

“Yes…” she replied. “Why?”

“Well today is the day I would’ve been released,” he sobbed.

Shoe string gamblers who frequent popular casinos across the US like to visit establishments which offer them budget meals through the ‘buffet’ concept. Now visitors to the Horseshoe Casino in Cleveland can enjoy a new take on these popular buffets thanks to a 400 seat buffet area which is set to attract gamblers and diners alike. Although gamblers can eat all they like, they can still be assured of an emphasis of quality over quantity. Food will be cooked fresh and prices will range between $9.99 and $23.99. The casino wants to make sure that players come to the Horseshoe for the great casino games as well as the delicious food. Now that’s what I call a super combination!

A fat guy is walking down the road when he sees a sign: “Chinese Buffet. Eat All You Can.” Feeling a bit puckish, the guy decided to pay the cover fee and sits down to eat.
He eats and eats and eats and eats. Then he eats a little bit more before he sits down to eat some more. After resting for ten minutes, he continues to eat and eat and eat and then eat.
Finally, the manager of the restaurant comes up to him and says politely: “Sir?”
“Yeah,” says the fat guy with his mouth full of food.
“Sir,” continues the manager, “The sign says ‘eat all you can’ not ‘all we got’.”

Ever walked into a preschool and checked out the kids? What’s to bet that around 90% of them could be classified under the personality headings of: inattentive, moody, wild, restless and impulsive? Remember, we’re talking about THREE YEAR OLDS here. So along come the great academic minds from the University of Missouri and claim that kids who fit these personality traits… wait for it… are twice as likely to become problem gamblers in adulthood. Now since the vast majority of 3 years olds are pretty wild, moody and impulsive, does that mean that 90% of the adult population is at risk of problem gambling? And they PAY these guys to research this stuff?

Q: How many academics does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Five: One to write the grant proposal, one to do the mathematical modeling, one to type the research paper, one to submit the paper for publishing, and one to hire a student to do the work.

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A student was taking microbiology at the University of Missouri
The lab work was taught by a bubbly, enthusiastic teaching assistant.
One day, she announced that there would be an exam the next week. The class moaned loudly, so she began to jump up and down like a cheerleader, exclaiming: “Come on, everyone! Give me a T, give me an E, give me an S, give me a T!”
A student interrupted, yelling, “Give me an A!”

Ugh. It’s not bad enough that we have to be exposed to a daily rundown on what Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are wearing/eating/buying/saying in the tabloids – now the online gambling sites are in on the conspiracy as well! After Brangelina and their rainbow brood announced that they were getting married sometime in the near future, sports betting sites jumped on the opportunity to start opening wagering markets and now you can bet on anything from the location of the wedding to whether Pitt’s ex, Jennifer Aniston will attend (3/1 in favor). Alexander McQueen is the favorite to design Angie’s dress (25/1), with Italy being the top destination for a honeymoon. A date hasn’t even been set for a wedding, so you can imagine the hoo-ha when things become more concrete….

One night, a Delta twin-engine puddle jumper was flying somewhere above New Jersey. There were five people on board: the pilot, Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn. Suddenly, an explosion was heard, and the passenger cabin began to fill with smoke. The cockpit door opened, and the pilot burst into the compartment.

“I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that we’re about to crash in New Jersey. The good news is that there are four parachutes, and I have one of them!”
With that, the pilot threw open the door and jumped from the plane.

Brad was on his feet in a flash. He said: “I am the world’s best looking guy. The world needs me. I think I should have a parachute!”

With these words, he grabbed one of the remaining parachutes, and hurtled through the door and into the night.

Angelina Jolie rose and said: “I am the world’s most beautiful philanthropist, the world needs me, especially the children I think I should have a parachute, too.” And out she jumped.

Jen and Vince looked at one another. Finally, Jen spoke. “I have lived a satisfying life as Rachel on friends. My movie career is not going anywhere. I have known the bliss of a golden globe and Oscar presentation. You have your life ahead of you; you take a parachute, and I will go down with the plane.”

Vince smiled slowly and said, “Hey, don’t worry, darlin’. The world’s most beautiful philanthropist just jumped out wearing my backpack.”

If you’re planning a visit the new Horseshoe Casino in Cleveland next month with the opening of the state’s first casino, keep a lookout for special undercover cops who have been trained by the Ohio Casino Control Commission to catch casino cheats. Of course I’m not implying that you’re planning to con the casino, but it could be quite entertaining to try and pick out these plain clothed officers from the many visitors expected at the opening. These guys have completed a 40 hour course which covers the rules of the games as well as the common methods used by cheats. Check them out at later openings in Toledo, Columbus and Cincinnati as well.

And on the subject of casinos and con-artists:

Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other, a Chihuahua . . . .

As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend, “Let’s go over to that casino for a flutter.”

The lady with the Chihuahua said, “We can’t go in there…we’ve got the dogs with us.”

The one with the Doberman said, “Just watch, and do as I do.”

They walked over to the casino and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.

The security guy at the door said, “Sorry, lady, no pets allowed.”

The woman with the Doberman said, “You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.”

The security guy said, “A Doberman?”

The woman said, “Yes, they’re using them now. They’re very good.”

The security guy said, “OK, come on in.”

The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought, “What the heck,” so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.

Once again the security guy said, “Sorry, lady, no pets allowed.”

The woman said, “You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.”

Security said, “A Chihuahua?”

The woman said indignantly, “A Chihuahua? They gave me a #(*&%* Chihuahua??????”

A guy from Michigan earned himself millions in the state lottery last week after purchasing a Cash for Life lottery ticket in error. The player usually spends $10 a week on the lottery, but mistakenly placed $20 in the machine. He was therefore ‘forced’ to buy another ticket – something which he wasn’t initially happy about but which, as fate would have it, turned out to be the winning ticket – earning him a massive $4,428,422! The guy now has the choice of getting an annual payment of $208,000 for his entire life, or a one-off payment of $4.4 million. As Edward Phelps, the diplomat, once said: “The man who makes no mistake does not usually make anything….”

Another type of mistake:

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said: “That’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen.”

In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.

The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

“The bus driver insulted me,” she fumed.

The man sympathized and said: “Why, he’s a public servant and shouldn’t say things to insult passengers.”

“You’re right,” she said. “I think I’ll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind.”

“That’s a good idea,” the man said. “Here, let me hold your monkey.”