Last week, we reported the story of an honest cabbie who returned $300,000 left on the back of his vehicle in a brown paper bag by a poker player in Nevada. At the time, I wondered if the taxi driver would be tipped by the anonymous player and I’m happy to say that he got the fattest tip of his life. According to a number of media outlets, the Yellow Checker Star Cab Company driver was given $10,000 by the happy poker player and, in addition, he was given $1,000 and a gift certificate to a Las Vegas steakhouse by his bosses – who also named him Employee of the Year. Gerardo Gamboa said that he did not hesitate once when he returned the money to the police, who helped trace the rightful owner. Well done once more!
A cab driver reaches the pearly gates. St Peter looks him up in his Big Book and tells him to pick up a gold staff and a silk robe and proceed into heaven.
Next in line is a preacher. St Peter looks him up in his Big Book, furrows his brow and says, “OK, we’ll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff.”
The preacher is shocked and replies, “But I am a man of cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabbie!”
St Peter responds matter of factly: “This is Heaven and up here, we are interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabbie drove his taxi, people prayed!”
Seattle grandmother, Evelyn Kottman proves that there is no maximum age for enjoying great casino entertainment. At the ripe old age of 103, Kottman decided to celebrate her birthday by living it up at her favorite casino, eating an all-you-can-grab crab dinner… and getting a tattoo. This grand dame had lived through both world wars, and reportedly stole a model T at the age of 9 to go on a joyride with her partner in crime – her six year old brother. As such, Kottman’s 103 year birthday celebrations seem rather tame in comparison! Considering that she has outlived her husband and all three of her children, you’d think that Kottman would be down in the dumps but she proves that life is for the living and happily admits to even stealing her grandson’s Black Label once in a while. Have a fantastic birthday Evelyn Kottman!
A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.
“I couldn’t help noticing how happy you look,” she said. “What’s your secret for a long and happy life?”
“I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day, drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods and never, ever exercise,” he said.
“That’s amazing,” she said. “How old are you?”
“Twenty-six,” he replied.
Ok, so this is stuff that fantasies are made of. A 27 year old Long Island, NY resident was sweeping away debris left over from Hurricane Sandy when he suddenly chanced upon a Win $1,000 for Life lottery ticket lying damp in a pile of leaves. Marvin Rosales-Martinez took a one in a whatever-zillion chance and checked the numbers after drying the ticket – only to find that he was the winner of a $1 million prize! The landscaper was forced to wait a whole year until the state lottery put its ‘finders keepers’ policy into gear and awarded him the money after nobody else came forward to claim the prize. Of course, the biggest winner of them all in this tale was Uncle Sam, who took a good few hundred thousand in taxes on the lump sum of $780,000 that Martinez chose to take.
What is Father Christmas’s tax status?
What do cannibal tax advisors do after their Christmas dinner?
Toast their clients
Did you hear about the cannibal tax accountant?
He charges an arm and a leg
What does a tax account do to liven up the office party?
Not show up
How do you know you have a good tax accountant?
He’s got a loophole named after him
You may want to think twice about bragging about your lottery win after reading this tale. A 43 year old bricklayer from Brazil hit the lottery recently and took home the massive amount of $3 million. Unfortunately for the winner, others also wanted to share in his good fortune and promptly raided his home and kidnapped him and his brother. The kidnappers demanded ransom from the men’s families to the tune of $200,000. The Brazilian police were not ready to give in to these demands, however, and discovered the house where the brothers were being held, took part in a shootout between the criminals (shooting one dead in the process), and promptly freed the two unhurt. Parabens, guys!!
A blonde, out of money, needed money desperately and to raise cash, decided to kidnap a child and hold him for ransom.
She went to the local playground, grabbed a kid randomly, took him to a building and told him, “I’ve kidnapped you.” She wrote a big note saying: “I’ve kidnapped your child. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and leave it under the trees next to the two slides on the side of the playground. Signed, a blonde.”
She then pinned the note to the kid’s shirt and sent him home to show his parents. The next morning, sure enough, there was a paper bag containing $10,000 under the apple tree. Attached to the bag was a note in reply: “I’m shocked that you could do such a despicable thing to a fellow blonde!”
A professional poker player hit the jackpot last weekend after a brown paper bag containing his $300,000 in winnings was returned to him after he forgot the loot in the back of a cab. The unnamed player reported the money missing and was thrilled when a veteran cab driver from Las Vegas came forward with the paper bag containing every last cent of the money. According to media outlets, the cabbie, Gerardo Gamboa originally thought that the bag contained chocolates, and was shocked when he realized how much money the bag contained. The driver didn’t think for a moment to keep the money for himself and it was clear from the start that the money needed to get to its rightful owner. Here’s hoping the poker pro tipped the guy more than the $5 that he had originally given him after riding him to his destination.
Bill Gates goes into a restaurant, orders a meal and leaves $2 tip. The waiter who served him can’t resist bringing up the small size of the tip and says,” Excuse me Sir. Yesterday your son sat at the same table and left a $500 tip, and yet you leave only $2. Why is that?” Bill Gates replies. “Well, HIS father is Bill Gates. Mine was just a common woodcutter…”
Owners of Victoryland, an electronic gambling facility in Shorter, Alabama, will need to think of another idea to convince the courts that they be allowed to remain open since their latest lawsuit wasn’t a popular choice with the judge. The plaintiffs had their case dismissed when they argued that Macon County residents voters’ rights were violated when authorities shut down the establishment and seized more than 1,600 gaming machines. According to the owners, voters had previously approved a local constitutional amendment in 2003 that authorized certain types of charitable bingo. By shutting down Victoryland, they said, these rights were violated. The judge wasn’t impressed and ruled that the “complaint has nothing to do with the infringement of voting rights,” while the state’s attorney general called the lawsuit a “legally frivolous publicity stunt”.
And on the subject of rights of a different kind….
An investigative journalist went to a third world country to study the culture and was shocked to discover that women were made to walk ten paces behind the men. She asked her guide why and he said, “Because they are considered of lesser status.” Outraged, the journalist went home and wrote scathing articles about the lack of women’s rights in the area. A year later she returned to region and was surprised to see the women walking ten paces ahead of the men. Pleased with herself and the obvious success of her efforts, she turned to her guide asked, “So, what has changed?” The guide answered, “Land mines.”
This is the stuff dreams are made of! (well, mine anyway….) A Canadian woman bought a lottery ticket in 2012, lost it and then promptly forgot about it. Last week, Ontario Lotteries and Gaming officials announced that they had gone beyond the call of duty and painstakingly traced the identity of Kathryn Jones of Hamilton, Ont who was due to miss out on a FIFTY MILLION DOLLAR win. Lottery officials used camera image from the store to put together Jones’ identity and turned up at her front door only 48 hours before the filing deadline to tell her the good news. Think of that one… Just two more days and she would have lost out on that incredible sum. It’s even too painful to contemplate… Jones will have to wait another 30 days before the money is transferred to her, according to lottery rules. Small change for someone who, only several weeks ago, had no inkling that her life would be totally transformed by a knock on the door….
And on the subject of identity (mistaken identity in this case…)
A drunk guy is weaving his way down the street when suddenly he sees a nun coming towards him. As quick as his drunken legs will take him, the man runs up to the poor nun and knocks her over to the ground.
Standing over the stunned woman, the drunk says: “Don’t feel so tough NOW, do you, Batman?!”
Who said that casino patrons go into a zombie-like trance and don’t think of anyone but themselves when they’re in front of a slot machine? Generous players at the Aquarius Casino Resort in Mohave Valley, Arizona, proved that theory wrong by generously donating their ace PLAY points to the casino’s Feed a Family program – points which are usually used to redeem for cash, free play or comps. The casino was able to feed 350 families over the Thanksgiving holidays, providing them with turkey, stuffing, gravy, cranberries, vegetables and more. The casino program hopes to feed up to 1,000 families by Christmas time thanks to the continued generosity of casino players. Well done Aquarius Casino and patrons!
A local charity had never received a donation from the town’s banker, so the director made a phone call.
“Our records show you make $500,000 a year, yet you haven’t given a penny to charity,” the director began. “Wouldn’t you like to help the community?”
The banker replied, “Did your research show that my mother is ill, with extremely expensive medical bills?”
“Um, no,” mumbled the director.
“Or that my brother is blind and unemployed? Or that my sister’s husband died, leaving her broke with four kids?”
“I … I … I had no idea.”
“So,” said the banker, “if I don’t give them any money, why would I give any to you?”
So just how will the introduction of online gambling to visitors at four Caesars Entertainment owned Atlantic City casinos impact profits? If you ask Caesars themselves, you’ll get two different answers, it seems. Last week the group issued a precautionary note to investors, saying that online casino games at its live casino interests would negatively impact profits as more people may prefer the convenience of online gambling. Shortly afterwards, the group tried to downplay the warning by saying that it had only issued the note as required by law and that it didn’t really believe that profits would be badly affected. To confuse issues even more, last month Caesars executive Mitch Garner said in an interview that there would be no negative effect on the group’s bricks and mortar casinos. Will the real answer please stand up….
And on the subject of making up your mind:
A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth. He tries this a few more times with no success.
All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.
She opens the window and yells to her husband, ‘You need a piece of tail.’
The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, ‘Make up your mind! Last night, you told me to go fly a kite!’
Last week a EuroMillions lottery ticket expired after the Birmingham based winner failed to step forward to claim the $12 million prize. This week, I read about a $16 million Powerball jackpot ticket that also went unclaimed, and the winner lost out on a staggering $16 million. COME ON PEOPLE! What is the point of moaning that you’re broke, spending your cash on lottery tickets and then not bothering to check on whether you’ve won or not? There are so many winners these days that it doesn’t seem TOO unrealistic that you’ll ever win. Yes, I know that the unclaimed money goes back to charity but the whole point of hitting the jackpot is for the winner to take the money home. On the positive side, this is only the third lottery ticket in 20 years that has gone unclaimed, with the biggest amount undoubtedly the $53 million Florida Lotto ticket that no one came forward with in 2003.
I won a tidy sum on the lottery and gave my homeless brother a new home.
It was the box from my new 65″ TV.
I won the Lottery last night.
I haven’t told the wife yet, I can’t use my phone on the plane.
Can you believe it?
This guy wins 181m lottery on Wednesday, and then finds the love of his life just two days later. Talk about luck!
My mate said, “If I won 161 million on the lottery, I’d buy Greece for a laugh.”
I said, “What would you spend the other 160 million on?”