Archive for April, 2010

Forgive me Father for I have Gambled

Thursday, April 29th, 2010

Oh, the irony! You’ve just got to love the guys at Paddy Power for thinking of the most outrageous marketing stints. Reminds me of the days when Golden Casino online casino would pull similar stunts in the US market (remember Britney Spears’ pregnancy test and the grilled cheese sandwich in the shape of the Virgin Mary??). This time, Paddy Power paid £10,000 to have its name placed on a new confession box at Our Lady and St Etheldreda Church in the racing town of Newmarket, Suffolk. All that the church could say about the matter was that it had never before been approached to have a confession box sponsored, and certainly not by a gambling firm. Now fancy that!  “It’s a great fit and perhaps over time confessing your sins in a Paddy Power confession box will become a tradition for race-goers,” said the Irish bookie.

So in honor of the Irish for bringing us Paddy Power: On St. Patrick’s Day, an Irishman stumbles out of the pub and drives home, dangerously weaving through lanes. He is pulled over by a cop who asks him where he’s been. “Te de pub,” mumbled the driver. “That’s obvious!” retorts the cop. “And did you know that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?”  “Oh, thank goodness!” said the drunk. “For a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf.”

Lighten Up Mr. Xenophon

Tuesday, April 27th, 2010

Okay, I know I sometimes go on too much about these holier-than-thou politicians who think they can impose their anti-gambling views on us simple folks, but sometimes they really do go too far. Take the oddly named Senator Nick Xenophon from Australia whose latest whine is to ban mobile phone applications that mimic slot and poker machines because kids might learn how they work. “Kids can become poker machines experts years before they are legally allowed to set eyes on a real machine,” said the Senator.  I mean, COME ON, Mr. Xenophon. Next you’ll be wanting to ban toy cars in case kids learn driving techniques before they reach the legal age! Lighten up, my man!

 So a guy walks into a casino and sees three men and a dog sitting around a poker table intensely involved in a game. He stands back, enthralled as the dog played with amazing abilities far beyond any human was.

 “That’s an amazingly smart dog,” said the man to the poker players around the table.

 “Nah,” said a fellow player. “He’s not that smart.”

 “But it’s a DOG. Playing POKER,” insisted the man. “Why do you say he isn’t smart?”

 “Well… see here,” said the poker player. “Every time the dog gets a good hand, he wags his tail…”

The Mystery of the Unnamed Gambling Operator

Monday, April 26th, 2010

Net Ent – you’ve got to love those Swedish guys who bring us top games on their CasinoModule, but WHAT were they thinking when they came out with a press release this week? Basically, they were saying that they had signed a major deal with a major European gaming operator. They went on about the fact that the operator chose the Net Entertainment platform for their “superior quality” and “range of platform features” but they forgot a few vital details. Name of the operator? Nada. Details of the deal? Nada. So I guess we’re going to have to wait for another press release in the hopefully near future. We can only wonder WHY they bothered to put the first one out….

A man went to the casino with his son when suddenly he called out – “Help, help! My son’s choking! He swallowed a quarter by mistake. Please, please, someone help!”

A man from a table next to him calmly stands up and announces that he is experienced in this type of situation. He leans down, squeezes the young man’s gonads and out pos the quarter. He then turns back to his gaming as if nothing happened.

The grateful father cries: “Thank you, bless you. Tell me, are you a paramedic?”

“Nah,” said the man. “I work for the IRS…”

Lucky Dime

Saturday, April 24th, 2010

The gambling scene has been kind of dry this week so I decided to dedicate this whole blog to a joke that should lift our spirits.

 John heads off to Vegas with a $20,000 bankroll, gambles all weekend and he has lost literally everything. He badly needs the bathroom and asks another gambler to borrow a dime for the men’s room. In the bathroom, the stall door is open and he uses the last dime in the slot machines instead. Imagine his delight when he hits the $1000 jackpot! 

 John takes his winnings to the poker table, hits a lucky streak and by the end of the evening, he has won an incredible $20 million!

 John decides to share his tips with fellow gamblers and goes on the lecture circuit.  One day, while lecturing, he tells his audience that he will be eternally grateful to the man who allowed him to change his fortune on that fateful night, and if he ever found him, he would share his enormous fortune with him.

 Suddenly from the audience, a man shouts excitedly: “John, John! It was me! I was the guy that night you lent you the dime for the men’s room!”

 Bob gulp but gets his wits about him and says: “Ah, you’re not the guy I was looking for. I was actually talking about the guy who left the stall door open!

Rubbing Shoulders with Lottery Winners

Wednesday, April 21st, 2010

What’s that saying about if you rub shoulders with rich people some of their gold will start to rub off on you? Well that’s how it must have felt for a guy in Tsawwassen, Canada who has worked for over 20 years in gambling industry. I’m sure that Brian Egli must have had his moments of jealousy when he handed over checks to countless lottery-winning millionaires along the way. But his moment of glory came when he learned that he had matched all six winning numbers to earn the massive amount of $4.3 million this week. You can’t blame Egli’s wife Bea for her response when her husband told her that they had won the Big One. All she could mutter scornfully was, “Sure we did, Brian.”

So, Don comes home after a hard day’s work and sees his wife wearing an expensive new fur coat. He blanches and asks her where she got it. “My boss won the lottery and this was my share!” she explains. The next week, she comes home driving a new car, and again she explains that her boss won the lottery. On the third week, she comes home from work wearing a dazzling diamond necklace, with the same explanation. Tired from work, she asks Don to run her a bath but is stunned to see that he has only put in an inch of water in the tub. “Why is there so little water?” she asks. “Well, we don’t want your lottery ticket getting too wet now, do we?” he responds.

Have Baby, Will Gamble at a Casino

Saturday, April 17th, 2010

OK, most of you won’t find this amusing, but I thought I’d share it with you anyway. A couple from Sacramento, who became parents only a few weeks ago, were charged for leaving the baby in their car while they gambled at Thunder Valley Casino. To quote Dr. Phil: “What WERE they thinking.” I mean, come on people. We understand it’s great to gamble at a casino and we totally get it that you felt like a night out – but to leave a 7 week old in the car alone?! The Mom of the Year told the police that she had just gone in to use the restrooms, but surveillance cameras showed that a they pair had spent over 2 hours in the casino….!

A man is walking along a beach. Suddenly he hears a deep voice: DIG ! He looks around: nobody’s there. Then he hears the voice again: I SAID, DIG ! So he starts to dig in the sand with his bare hands, and after a while finds a small chest with a rusty lock. The deep voice says: OPEN ! He finds a rock and opens to see a lot of gold coins. The deep voice says: TO THE CASINO ! The man hurries to the nearest casino. The deep voice says: ROULETTE ! So he changes all the coins into roulette coupons and goes to the tables. The deep voice says: 27 ! He takes the whole pile and drops it at the 27. The table nearly bursts. Everybody is quiet when the croupier throws the ball. ….. The ball stays at the 26. The deep voice says: SHIT !

Multi Million Lottery Ticket Nearly Trashed

Friday, April 16th, 2010

An Israeli couple nearly lost out on a lottery prize of over $20 million after shoving the winning ticket under a pile of old papers … and forgetting about it. The staggering prize went unclaimed for nearly four months, and lottery authorities were already rubbing their hands in glee over the prospect that the money would return to their coffers. Alas, it was not to be – the woman’s nagging (nah!) that her husband should sort through their old papers, led to him to discovering the ticket, checking the numbers at a late-night convenience store and finally confirming a prize made up of many, many, many zeros!

 So, a redneck buys a lottery ticket and wins the lottery. He rushes to the store to claim the winnings and when it’s confirmed he says: “I want my $20 million!”. The store clerk says: “No, sir, it doesn’t really work that way. We give you a million today and the rest of the money is spread out for the next 19 years – $20 million in total.” The redneck is furious and yells: “No, no! I want my money, all of it, right now! I won it and I want it!” The patient clerk explains again that the policy of the lottery group is to pay out over a 20 year period. The redneck is really rednecked by now, grabs the poor man by his lapels, shoves him up against the wall and seethes: “Look man, I – WANT – MY – MONEY! If you don’t give me my $20 million, I want my dollar back NOW!

To Raid or Not to Raid

Tuesday, April 13th, 2010

Honestly, sometimes I think these politicians have been watching too many re-runs of the A-Team. Picture this scenario. Grandmotherly type women sitting in their favorite bingo hall, daubing quietly at their cards, when suddenly The Task Force on Illegal Gambling bursts through the door, shattering window frames and yelling profanities. OK, so maybe Alabama Governor Bob Riley’s task force didn’t use that much violence, but they certainly caused enough mayhem in the town of Birmingham to have the electronic bingo halls in the Bessemer area close down for the second time in three months. And – by the way – Governor Riley’s team is REALLY called the Task Force on Illegal Gambling…

So, All Blonde Bingo Hall was running a ‘ladies only night’. There seemed to be no action running at the bingo hall and management was startled to see that nobody had a BINGO the entire evening. With the last game up for grabs, the jackpot was an incredible $40,000. The game went on and on and yet nobody seemed to be winning. Finally, the caller stands up, throws the bingo machine off the stage and shouts: “Look, ladies, I have just called every single one of the 75 numbers and nobody has a BINGO!? What number are y’all waiting on?”  In unison, 423 blondes reply: “FREE SPACE!”

Horsebetting Like a Woman Works!

Thursday, April 8th, 2010

For those men who like to think that they are improving their chances of winning at the races by poring over stats and studying forms for hours on end, think again. The following is big news: Ask your woman to pick her favorite and you have more chance of winning. A recent survey run by Racing for Change found that over 50% of women who picked a horse based on a cute or funny name walked away with cash. 20% who picked the horse because she liked the jockey’s clothing won and 5% of women chose a horse based on the fact that she fancied the jockey.  So next time you go to the races, check out the latest jockey fashion, pick out the cutest riders (for betting purposes only of course!) and choose the horse with the weirdest name – you may just get luckier than before!

George and Fred were discussing their recent success at the tracks.

 George: I put $20 on a horse last week and he came in at twenty five to one.

 Fred: Wow! That’s amazing. You must have made a fortune!

 Gorge: Not really – the rest of the field came in at twelve thirty…

NH Governor Causes a Huh Moment

Wednesday, April 7th, 2010

Governor Lynch of New Hampshire definitely caused a ‘huh’ moment this weekend when he unveiled his new gambling plan. Remember, this is the guy who opposed a plan in the last legislative session that would’ve seen the expansion of gambling in the state. So what does this rabid anti gambling politician propose? To introduce online gambling to the state! Lots of people are scratching their heads over Lynch’s proposal. Even the gambling champion in the house, Sen. Lou D’Allesandro, noted that this was a strange route to take, saying: “if the governor is afraid of proliferation, what easier way to proliferate it than online gambling?” Online gamblers, meanwhile, are rejoicing about the new proposals. Very odd indeed!

So here’s a cute gambling joke I came across that doesn’t really tie in with today’s theme, but I thought I’d share it with you anyway.

 Gerta tells her friend that her husband is off on a trip.

 “He’s going to a casino in central Asia,” she said.

 The friend asks: “Tibet?”

 “Of course,” said Gerta irritably. “Why else would he go?!”