Archive for May, 2010

Defending Against the Hostile Force

Friday, May 7th, 2010

“We will… withstand… penetration by overseas hostile forces…” Are we talking about the script of the latest Star Trek movie here? Perhaps some forgotten war manuscripts uncovered in some dusty Polish archive? Nah. Nothing as dramatic. Just an announcement by the Chinese authorities on their latest plans to stifle the last breath out of the country’s already crushed online gambling industry. So here’s the quote in full: “We will strengthen the blocking of harmful information from outside China to prevent harmful information from being disseminated in China and withstand online penetration by overseas hostile forces,” said the head of the governmental Information Office. Geez, these guys are even going after GOOGLE!?! With literally millions of Chinese gambling online, these guys have quite a job ahead of them…

Charlie and Tommy go into their favorite casino to play the slot machines. They enter the casino and go their separate ways, with the agreement being that once they run out of money, they would wait for the other on the benches on the side of the room. Tommy finishes his bankroll rather quickly and makes s his way to the benches, where he sits and waits… and waits… and waits. Finally, after several hours, he sees Charlie approaching with a HUGE sack of money on his back. “Wow!” exclaims Tommy, “you’ve been lucky!”   “Yeah,” says Charlie with a grin, “I found this GREAT machine back there. It’s amazing. You win each time. Every time you put in a dollar, four quarters come out!!”

Lottery Winner Gets in Trouble with the Wife

Thursday, May 6th, 2010

Oops. Robert McIntosh may have had the perfect reason for forgetting his wife’s 47th birthday, but as far as she is concerned, even winning the lottery is not good enough. After winning the UK Lottery and taking home £4,460,495, McIntosh felt that he could finally pamper his wife. But what he didn’t remember was her birthday one week after the win, leading her to whine: “The Lottery win is the best birthday present I’ve had in 47 years but I’m hoping I’ll get a special gift now. The budget should have gone up a fair bit.” Doesn’t look like Susan is going anywhere right now, though, even if he never remembers her birthday again, after seeing the seven digit figure in their bank account…

An old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window: “I want to open a damn checking account.” The stunned woman replies:  “I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?” “Listen up, damn it,” he snarls. “I said I want to open a damn checking account right now!” The woman says as patiently as she can manage: “I’m very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank.”  She then leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to tell him about her situation. They both return and the manager asks the old guy: “What seems to be the problem here?”  “There’s no friggin’ problem, dammit!” yells the man. “I just won $50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank!” “I see,” says the manager, “and this damn woman is giving you a hard time, is she?”