BonusRating

I just love those guys in the Senate – you know the ones who sit around all day wasting tax payers’ money, voting on bills that don’t actually lead to much anyway? So here’s the latest – a bill has been amended by the Massachusetts senate to ban smoking in casinos. The problem is that there ARE no casinos in Massachusetts. Hm… Let me thing about that one for a moment… And while I’ve got my thinking cap on, and just say there WERE casinos in the state, why would you want to ban smoking throughout the entire establishment as the bill proposes? Have these guys never heard of smoking areas? And if they’re already going to ban things in non-existent casinos, how about going all out? Last time I heard, alcohol has its problems, as has 24/7 entertainment, slot machines blinging at high decibels, flashing lights….

The teacher was doing a science experiment in class and placed four worms in separate jars. The first she put in a jar of alcohol, the second in a jar of cigarette smoke, the third in a jar filled with condoms and a fourth in a jar of soil. The next day, the class eagerly gathered around the jars to see the results. The worms in jars one, two and three were dead, while the fourth worm in the jar was alive.  “So,” asked the teacher, “what do we learn from this?”  Johnny puts up his hand as says: “As long as we drink, smoke and have sex, we won’t get worms!”

I think the ancient sport of Sumo wrestling just burst into the 21^st Century. Japan’s fighters apparently lost their biggest sponsor after they admitted to gambling on baseball matches and card games. Apparently the sport is in so much hot water that the future of the next tournament is threatened. These guys had better tread carefully so as not to anger other sponsors. McDonalds, for example, has done a lot for the Sumo over the years, even installing a custom made seat to support their weight at the Tokyo sumo stadium Mc branch last year! On the other hand, what’s a little harmful dallying on sports betting going to harm anyone?

A Scot, an Englishman and a Sumo wrestler decide that life is not worth living and they are going to commit suicide by jumping off the top of a building.

As the Scot takes his leap, he yells: “God save Scotland!”

The Englishman follows and his final words are: “Gave save England!”

The Sumo wrestler, always the honorable one, jumps off yelling: “God save the person who I land on!”

I realized this week that those guys in India sure know how to handle duty shirking. I mean, here’s the situation. A police vigilance squad raids a gambling den and arrests nine people, seizing cash and goods. So what do the police do? Instead of celebrating their successful crackdown, they turn around and suspend the police inspector in charge of the station in the area where gambling den was discovered. “Rathwa is in-charge of the area and it was his duty to keep an eye on such illegal activities,” said a police commissioner statement. “But, he failed to do so and hence he has been suspended.” Jeez, talk about talking tough. Remind me not to be a policeman in India in my next life.

 So here is a couple to lighten the mood:

A tourist approaches a man in uniform and asks: ‘Sir, are you a policeman?’  The man answers: ‘No, I’m an undercover detective.’ ‘So why are you in uniform?’ asked the tourist. ‘It’s my day off,’ was the reply.

 A policeman tries to stop a speeding car and the guy increases his speed until he is topping 100mph. Eventually he runs out of gas and pulls over. The policeman comes out the car and says to him: “It’s been a long day and my tour is almost over. If you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I’ll let you go.”

“Well,” says the driver. “My wife ran away with a policeman last week, and I thought you might be him trying to give her back!”

When armed robbers burst into a Berlin hotel in March and tried to steal the 1 million Euros prize money meant for a star studded poker tournament, the heist was nicknamed the Great Poker Robbery by the media. But as more and more details emerge about this botched attempt, it seems that the robbers really were ahead of themselves. For starters, the average age of the robbers was 20 – showing that this really was a matter of kid’s stuff. Apparently, two older guys – including the uncle of one of the youth – gave them instructions, handed them arms and sent them on their merry way. No wonder that when one of the kids appeared in court for the robbery (wearing shorts no less), his lawyer said on his behalf that he had not realized that he was taking part in a serious crime (!)

Here’s a bit of bleagh joke courtesy of LifeisaJoke: “Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, a gang of raiders’ efforts at disabling the internal security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash and valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes scattered throughout the bank.

The newspaper headline read: IRELAND’S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING.”

If the following story wasn’t so sad, it would almost be laughable. Last week, a Canadian guy headed off to a Newfoundland convenience store to buy himself his weekly $10 lottery ticket. He asked the clerk to print the ticket but he who accidentally printed off a $27 instead. The clerk apologized and asked the guy if he wanted to stick with the printed ticket, or have him cancel it and re-issue a $10 ticket as he had asked. The guy opted to cancel the expensive ticket and take the cheaper one instead. And… yep… you guessed it… the cancelled $27 ticket later turned out to have the winning numbers that would have made our guy $30 million richer! 

I know I’ve told you this joke before, but it seemed so appropriate that I’m repeating it again:  John’s business is sputtering along, his wife is set to leave him and the bank has threatened to foreclose on his house. John prays to God and begs him: “Please Lord, let me win the lottery.” The next day – no lottery win. The bank sends its final warning. John’s wife packs her bags. John is desperate. He prays again: “Please Lord, what is a few million to you? Please let me win the lottery tomorrow.” The next day – again, no lottery win. The bank throws John out his home, his wife leaves. John throws himself on the floor and howls, “Lord, Lord, why have you forsaken me? I need to win the lottery!!!”  That night, John goes to bed and in his dream, the Lord appears before him and says: “John, man, meet me halfway here – BUY A DAMN LOTTERY TICKET!”