Archive for July, 2010

Can’t Have your Gambling Cake and eat it too!

Friday, July 30th, 2010

A Canadian decided that he was spending too much time and cash at his local casino and entered the province’s Voluntary Self Exclusion Program. Nevertheless, the still decided to hit the casinos once in a while, and during one of these excursions, he won a $42,500 jackpot. The British Columbia Lottery Corporation, however, is saying that since Michael Lee self-excluded himself from the casino, he can’t claim any prizes. One of the terms of the agreement that he signed specifically says so. On the other hand, Lee said that has won smaller amounts in the past, where he had to show his ID to take home the winnings and nobody said anything to him then. I can’t decide who I’m backing here but it makes for some interesting thought….

Here’s a casino joke courtesy of TCO: “A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in ‘Vegas. She’s down to her last $50. Exasperated, she exclaims, “What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?” A man standing next to her, trying to calm her down, suggests, “I don’t know… why don’t you play your age?” He walks away. Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe she won! He rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd. The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her. The man is stunned. He asks, “What happened? Is she all right?” The operator replies, “I don’t know. She put all her money on 29, and 36 came up. Then she just fainted!”

Oops… Our Multi Million Dollar Gambling Plan isn’t Working

Friday, July 30th, 2010

You’d think that if a state government is going to spend hundreds of millions of dollars on a program to tackle problem gambling, we’d be seeing results by now. However, the Victorian government in Australia came under heavy fire this week after it was found that a $132 million program launched in 2006 called “Taking Action on Problem Gambling Strategy”, showed “little or no evidence to suggest the initiatives in this audit would be effective.”  Among the downfalls were the lack of targets set to measure whether the strategies had been effective and the fact that all those little bling things that they put on pokies to warn gamblers of the time were simply useless in preventing problem gambling… now fancy that..!

So… An Englishman decides that he wants to become an Irishman and goes to his doctor to find out how to go about it. The doctor hums and haws and says eventually: “Well, this is a very delicate operation and a multitude of things can go wrong. The procedure entails removing half your brain.”  The Englishman thinks about this and then says: “That’s OK. My dream has always been to be Irish. I’ll take the risk.”

On the day of the operation, something goes horribly wrong and the Englishman wakes up to find the doctor looking over him in horror. “I’m so sorry,” laments the doctor. “In error, I removed your entire brain instead the half of it!”  The Englishman opens his mouth and says, “No worries, mate!”

Poker Player Taunts Police

Sunday, July 25th, 2010

21 year old Justin Grant decided that he didn’t quite like the food in prison where he was serving time in Australia. So the guy decided to casually split when he was being transferred to a hospital for a hand injury. I don’t know how he wasn’t noticed within the first minute of his escape, wearing a shirt emblazoned with ‘correctional services’ and being handcuffed (duh) but that’s not our story. Apparently, Grant went underground where he continued to taunt the police with Facebook status updates. At one time, he even decided to invite friends to a poker game using the social networking group!  But it seems that Grant missed being behind bars, because he eventually became careless and was arrested in the parking lot when he went to buy fish and chips. Guess he’ll be having lots of time on his hands to play poker these days….

In the spirit of dumb crooks, here’s a true story all the way from Colorado:

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shot gun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he refused and said “Because I don’t believe you are over 21.” The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn’t believe him. At this point the robber took his driver’s license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.

Gambling Goes Green!

Saturday, July 24th, 2010

I’m all for protecting the planet and I’ll even put my shopping in those green canvas bags instead of clogging our environment with more plastic bags. But sometimes commercial groups take their eco-messages one step closer to the ridiculous. I read this week that the new Playtech powered Casino del Rio has announced that it is to become the world’s first ecological casino. According to one article, “Casino Del Rio tries to protect the environment by balancing the CO2 emission so they introduced eco-friendly features that will contribute to achieve the goal of reaching a 100% carbon-neutral status that they adopted. The design features used for the entire online casino help monitor energy-wastage but first of all Casino Del Rio promised to plant one tree for every new casino player.”  Um. Ok. Apparently, the casino is also in partnership with a group called New Green Group which promotes and supports environmental activities.  Is it only me or is this concept a little bit OTT?

A couple of green jokes to get us going for the day:

  • 17 trees are saved by every ton of existing paper recycled. That means if we pulped every Harry Potter book we wouldn’t be able to see the sky for foliage.
  • Tom Cruise is set to sign up to a new, high tech, eco thriller called Mission Compostable.
  • Is a vegetarian allowed to eat animal crackers?
  • And finally a quote by Jay Leno – “They say if the warming trend continues, by 2015 Hilary Clinton may actually thaw out.”

Bravo for Le Poker Strike!

Saturday, July 24th, 2010

I like the spirit of the French, especially when they feel that an injustice has been done. These guys have no problems shutting down their entire transportation system, for example, just to have their rights heard. This fighting spirit was carried over to the gambling world recently when French poker players learned that they will now by charged extra at their favorite online poker sites because the French government is charging a 2% tax on all rakes. What did these guys do? They simply occupied all the tables at these poker sites and refused to play – essentially shutting down sites such as Poker Stars in France! Kudos to the French poker players for their ingenuity and fair play!

I have to reiterate that I love the French, but I couldn’t resist a few jokes at their expense – no offence, guys!

Q: Why don’t the French barbeque?

A: The snails keep slipping between the grills.

Q: How do you get a French waiter’s attention?

A: Start ordering in German.

Q: How do you stop a French tank?

A: Say ‘Boo’!

Q: How do you get a Frenchman out the bath tub?

A: Throw in a bar of soap.

Q: How many jokes are there about the French?

A: One. The rest are true.

Canadian Gambling Site: Now You See it, Now you Don’t!

Saturday, July 24th, 2010

The record for the quickest appearance and disappearance of an online gambling site was without a doubt broken by PlayNow .com, the new site launched by the Canadian British Columbia Lottery Corporation last week. It was a PR nightmare – to say the least – when the site had to be taken down only hours after launching because… wait for it… it couldn’t handle the onslaught of players who were keen on trying it out. I mean, seriously, if you’re going to all that trouble to launch a brand new gambling site in a virginal market at a cost of millions of dollars, and you want to make a good first impression – surely you have the infrastructure to support a crowd or more than two players??

In honor of that spirit of ambiguity, here’s one courtesy of 101 Fun Jokes: “An Englishman, a Canadian and an American were captured by terrorists.

The terrorist leader said, “Before we shoot you, you will be allowed last words. Please let me know what you wish to talk about.”

The Englishman replied, “I wish to speak of loyalty and service to the crown.”

The Canadian replied, “Since you are involved in a question of national purpose, national identity, and secession, I wish to talk about the history of constitutional process in Canada, special status, distinct society and uniqueness within diversity.”

The American replied, “Just shoot me before the Canadian starts talking.”

Antigua Gambling Woes Still Going Strong

Monday, July 19th, 2010

I had to rub my eyes in disbelief when I read this morning that Antigua and Barbuda are STILL nagging the United States to compensate them for closing their borders to Antiguan based gambling companies in 2004. When the WTO ruled in Antigua’s favor, the US was ordered to provide compensation and a number of meetings were held over demands and amounts – but nothing ever came of them. The US seems to find this matter highly amusing because how else could you justify keeping Antigua dangling for over six years?! What I find even more unbelievable is the fact that the Prime Minister of the Caribbean state, Dr. Baldwin Spencer said that his country is still committed to a strong relationship with the United States and that he is willing to return to the negotiation tables. He also said that he’d be willing to meet President Obama to discuss the matter. Come ON, Dr. Spencer! If you have the choice of sanctions, and the WTO on your side, it’s time to stop tip toeing around the US and start getting demanding what is due!

And here’s one that seems to sum up the haughty attitude that the Obama administration has taken on the Antigua matter, courtesy of Funny and Jokes: “John McCain, Hillary Clinton, and Barack Obama all die and go to heaven. God looks down from his throne and asks McCain, “Do you think you deserve to be in heaven?”

McCain takes a breath and then replies, “Well, I think so because I was a great leader and tried to follow the words in your great book.” God looks down and then says, “You can sit to my left side.”

So, McCain takes his seat and then God asks the same question to Hillary, “Do you think you deserve to be in heaven?” Hillary thinks for a second and then replies, “I think so because I have been fighting for the rights of so many people for so long.” God again looks down and this time says, “You can sit to my right side.”

Finally God turns to Barack Obama and asks, “Do you think you deserve to be in heaven?” Obama smiled and replied, “I think you’re in my seat.”

Prepare to Play the Poker Robot

Monday, July 19th, 2010

Yikes! It’s finally happening. Orwellian predictions are coming true right before our eyes! Just when you thought online poker technology couldn’t get any more advanced, along comes an announcement by the Computer Poker Research Group at the University of Alberta that it has managed to improve the original Polaris computer and bring it to a decent play level. In the past, Polaris has managed to boast a fair game of heads up limit hold ‘em against Phil Laak and Ali Eslami by pulling one win and one draw in four matches. After several years of work, the Research Group announced that Polaris is now ready to take on tougher games in the form of heads up no limit hold ‘em and the group said that it has managed to reach ‘low-level professional level’. We wait with baited breath to see the new and improved Polaris take on today’s greats such as Patrik Antonius and Phil Ivey.

 A couple of one liners in the spirit of poker:

 What is the difference between a professional poker player and God?

God doesn’t think that he’s a professional poker player.

 Why didn’t the elephants like to play poker in the jungle?

Because there are too many cheetahs.

 A couple of cowboys were playing poker in an Old West saloon. One of them laid down the winning hand. The other jumped up and yelled: “He’s cheatin’! He aint playin’ the cards I dealt him!”

Texan Wins Lottery FOUR Times

Tuesday, July 13th, 2010

I promise you, this is definitely not a case of sour grapes. But really, honestly, how can I be happy for someone who has managed to win the lottery FOUR times. Four! Texan Joan Ginther, a 63 year old, has celebrated four different windfalls of over $1 million each since 1993! Her latest win on the $140 million Extreme Payout scratch off game earned her a whopping $10 million, bringing to $20.4 million the total prizes she has won since she started playing. Even more amazingly, two of her wins were on tickets bought in the same store. Now come on, people, is this fair? What about the rest of us who go week after week to the same store, picking the same numbers, hoping to win a grand, never mind a million! There really needs to be a law against someone so lucky!!

 Here’s a lotto joke (or it might be a true story) courtesy of LottoMania:

 At a Christmas party the staff decided to pull a joke on their boss who had a habit of playing serious practical jokes. When he went to the toilet, they went through his wallet and found his Lotto ticket. Then, they wrote down his numbers and called over the waitress to set up a little prank. She came back half an hour later and asked if anyone wanted to know the night’s Lotto numbers, then proceeded to read them out loud before setting the numbers on the table.
The boss looked at the numbers, then casually pulled out his wallet and compared them. He became really silent, put his wallet back in his jacket and sat down again breathing really rapidly, and looking totally blown away.
After a couple of minutes he pulled out his wallet and Lotto ticket again, and checked the numbers, very carefully.
Then, he, stood up on his chair and shouted out to the whole room: “I just want to let you all know something. I’ve been having an affair with my secretary for months. I don’t like any of you, and I have hated working for this company. You can all go to Hell, ‘cos I’ve just won a shit-load of money, and I’m leaving!” Needless to say his job and his marriage didn’t last much longer.

Chinese Slam Online Gaming Even Harder

Tuesday, July 13th, 2010

It’s not bad enough that the Chinese government practically locks away anybody caught gambling online forever and beyond, the guys in the country’s Ministry of Culture have decided to go one step further. The latest announcement from China is that it will not be permitted to use images of sexuality, violence or gambling to advertise online games. Apparently, it all started when the creators of the game Dahua Xuanyuan used Chinese model Zhang Xiaoya to turn the game into a superb hit. The competitors tried to find their own sexy models to promote their own games, and a new campaign, featuring sex video star, Shou Shou was broadcast to promote the game, Journey to the West. This is where the government jumped in and banned the use of sexuality and violence. And simply so, without any reason, decided to ban images of gambling as well. Sigh.

So, here’s a joke about a couple that may have been watching too many of these banned ads:

A Chinese couple have a new baby. After the birth, the nurse brings them over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, black baby boy. “Congratulations,” says the nurse to the new parents. “What will you name the baby?”
The puzzled father looks at his new child and says “I think we will name him “Sum Ting Wong.”