Archive for November, 2010

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Ex Wife Crawls out of the Woodwork to Claim Millions in Lottery Prize

Tuesday, November 30th, 2010

Ex Wife Crawls out of the Woodwork to Claim Millions in Lottery Prize

I picked up on this story today and it made my blood boil. Earlier this year, Nigel Page won £56 million on the Euro Millions lottery and started a brand new life as a happy millionaire 50 times over. The guy decided to be kind to his ex-wife (who, I shall remind you, divorced him a decade ago after running off with another man), by giving her a cool £1 million. But the woman, Wendy Page, decided that it wasn’t enough and threatened court action if he didn’t give her £8million. Can you get your head around that? On what basis did she actually believe that she deserved a penny? In the end, so as not to harm his relationship with their shared daughter, Page settled out of court for the sum of £2 million. I’ve heard about relatives crawling out of the woodwork to remind lottery winners of their blood ties, but this one takes the prize for the biggest cheek of all!

In honor of ‘happy marriages’, here are a couple of profound statements I found online:

Every time I find Mr. Right my husband scares him away.
How do men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done for free.
My husband and I divorced over religious reasons. He thought he was God, I didn’t.
Have you heard of the new divorced Barbie doll? She comes with all Ken’s stuff!

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X Factor Betting Favourite’s Gran is an Escort!

Monday, November 22nd, 2010

This season’s X-Factor song contest in the UK is a hot-pot of talent, and betting sites are reporting a flurry of activity as punters back their favorite contestants singing amazing songs each week. But each singer comes with his or her own background story that sometimes makes me laugh and sometimes makes me cry. The latest tale, however, made me do both! Bookie favorite, Katie Waissel, apparently suffered a “devastating blow” this week after discovering that her grandmother – her EIGHTY TWO YEAR OLD GRANDMOTHER – is actually working through a sex website called Vintage Vamps, charging £250 per hour for her services! I honestly didn’t know how to react to this report – if it wasn’t so shocking it would be funny, and I must admit that I had a good giggle thinking of how Katie must have reacted when she first saw pictures of her beloved gran. Call me a horrible person….

Here are signs that you’re getting older – maybe someone should pass the list on to Gramma Waissel…

Your little black book only contains names ending with MD.
You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
Your back goes out more than you do.
You’re asleep but everything thinks you’re dead.
People call at 9pm and say ‘Did I wake you?’
You have a party and the neighbors don’t realize it.
You wear socks with sandals.
You’d rather go in to work than stay home sick.
Your best friend is dating someone half their age… and isn’t breaking any laws.
You sink your teeth into a steak… and they stay there!

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97 Year Old Wins ‘Set for Life’ Lottery

Monday, November 22nd, 2010

Oh, the irony of it! A man from Yellowknife, Canada won $1 million on a lottery ticket on the ‘Set for Life’ scratch tickets. Great, except that the poor guy is all of 97 years old and – while I honestly wish him many happy years on this earth – the odds seem pretty much against him enjoying this windfall to its maximum. Winners of this lottery can take a single lump payment of $1 million or get $1,000 every week for 1,290 weeks – together with a $10,000 lump sum. Under the circumstances, it stands to reason that Michel Paper opted for the first choice. Here’s hoping that he’ll take advantage of every single minute of his win!

Courtesy of Pruneville.com:

Three old ladies were discussing the trials and tribulations of getting older. One said, “Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can’t remember whether I need to put it away or start making a sandwich.” The second lady chimed in with, “Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can’t remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down.” The third one responded, “Well, ladies, I’m glad I don’t have that problem, knock on wood,” as she rapped her knuckles on the table and then said, “That must be the door, I’ll get it!”

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Lottery Winning Couple Gives Away Millions

Monday, November 22nd, 2010

Just imagine winning the lottery – $11 million of it! I bet you’ve got a secret list of things you’d spend the money on. Perhaps giving some away to charity features on that list, but would you ever dream of giving it ALL away? That’s exactly what an elderly couple from Canada decided to do when they hit the big one in July. They scooped millions in the Lotto 649 draw and decided that they’d only need 2% to see them through “a rainy day”. The rest of the cash, they decided to donate to their family, to their church, to their local fire departments, cemeteries, the Red Cross and hospitals. So my plan now is to a) get them to adopt me or b) set up my own fire department and hound them for a donation :) ….

Courtesy of Jokes Available:

A local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town’s most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. “Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give back to the community in some way?” The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, “First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?” Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, “Um…
no.” “–or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?” The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted, “–or that my sister’s husband died in a traffic accident,” the lawyer’s voice rising in indignation, “leaving her penniless with three children?!” The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, “I had no idea…
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again: “–so if I don’t give any money to them, why should I give any to you?!?”

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“Thou Shalt Not Gamble” (Not)

Wednesday, November 17th, 2010

A minister whose church takes a rather dim view on gambling has scooped a large lottery in the UK. Reverend Peter de Villiers, who lives in Lanarkshire but was born in South Africa, scooped £30,000 in a lottery jackpot in the UK and said that “his prayers had been answered.” Rev. de Villiers defended his decision to play £50 a week on the People’s Postcode Lottery, saying: “Ultimately it is down to the individual’s conscience. I don’t think we’ve done anything wrong. Like the Bible, our teachings are open to interpretation.” The church, in the meantime, said that it would be discussing the vice – described as “sinister” – with the good reverend privately.

Courtesy of Top Jokes:

“Pastor Brown was driving to church Sunday in his Cadillac when he spied Pastor White riding a bicycle. He stopped and asked, “What happened to your Chevy?”
“Things have been tight lately. I had to sell it to pay the church mortgage.”
“You need to preach on tithing and the importance of sharing one’s wealth with God and Church this Sunday, Pastor White. How do you think I got my new Cadillac?”
The next Sunday he saw Pastor White only this week he was walking. “What happened? Did you have to sell your bike?”
“No,” said Pastor White. “I think one of my parishioners stole it.”
“That’s terrible,” said Father Brown. “This Sunday, preach the Ten Commandments and when you get to ‘Thou Shalt Not Steal,’ lay it on extra heavy. I guarantee your bike will mysteriously reappear.”
Sure enough, the following Sunday Pastor Brown saw Pastor White, and this week he was back on his bicycle.
Pastor Brown said, “See? I told you the Ten Commandments would do the trick.” Pastor White sheepishly replied, “Well, it did help, but not like you thought. When I got to ‘Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,’ I remembered where I left my bike!”

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Winning Lottery Ticket Bought in Porn Shop

Thursday, November 11th, 2010

I LOVE this story! Imagine going into a porn shop and buying a lottery ticket, and then finding out that you’ve won the biggest jackpot that the state has ever given away. The only problem is that you live in a state where you are not allowed to remain anonymous in order to claim your win and everyone will see your face splashed all over the newspapers, TV stations and magazines. That’s what happened in Michigan this week when it was reported that a winning lottery ticket worth a staggering $128 million is still waiting to be claimed – and the winner is obviously too shy to come forward. Between you and me, if I had that amount of money waiting for me, I wouldn’t give a flying frog if the whole world knew that I bought porno items, but who knows what the real story is there? I am dying to hear how this tale resolves and I can just imagine the guy’s (or gal’s!) sheepish face as he or she holds up the massive multi-digit check. Watch this space!

A guy from Chicago bought a Microsoft Zune for wife for her birthday and found that it contained an hour and 32 minutes of pornography. He was extremely disgusted with the product and immediately changed it for an iPod which could hold up to 80 hours of pornography.

Q: What is the difference between pornography and erotica?

A: The lighting!

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Gambling Comp Card are Complimentary… Aren’t They?

Thursday, November 11th, 2010

I read yesterday that a guy from Allentown was charged by police for theft and access device fraud over comp cards. The guy apparently gambled at the Sands Casino in Bethlehem and – according to the police – cashed in credits on comp cards that other unsuspecting players left behind. There were an amazing 155 Player’s Club Cards in John Misiora’s possession. I guess he didn’t stop to think that just because they were complimentary points it didn’t mean that they were all for him. Anyway, Misiora was let out on $10,000 bail. In my humble opinion, he’ll have to get a crash course in how casino comps really work.

And while we are on the subject, this is a true story about another very dumb crook:

A guy walks into a store, puts a $20 bill on the counter and asks for change.
The store keeper opens the till and the guy suddenly pulls out a gun and demands all the cash in the register.
The store keeper obliges fast and shoves the money into the crook’s hands.
The crook grabs the cash, leaving his $20 on the counter and runs from the scene of the crime.
The problem – for the crook, that is – is that there was only $15 in the cash drawer. Talk about crime not paying!

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Robin Hood Grows Feathers in New Slot Game

Thursday, November 11th, 2010

I’m not sure what to make of Microgaming‘s new slot  game, Robin Hood. I was one of those kids who grew up on the famous legend, day-dreaming that I could join his merry band of men in Sherwood Forest instead of sitting through boring geography lessons. So it was a bit weird to see that the software giant had decided to portray the mighty Robin (as well as Friar Tuck, the Maid Marion and all the other characters in the tale)… as birds! The “Feathers of Fortune” subtitle to the game should have warned me, but still it was strange to see my hero turned into a bird. However, I have since forgiven Microgaming after a few spins on the newly released Robin Hood. The game is an exceptional masterpiece, ready to rock with 243 ways of winning, wilds, scatters, multipliers and second screen bonus game. Definitely worth a try!

Q: Friar Tuck was a monk, so why did he get involved in a life of crime?
A: It was his habit!

Q: What has two holes for the eyes and a slit for the beak?
A: A Robin Hood!

Q: Why did Robin Hood steal from the rich?
A: Because the poor didn’t have anything worth stealing!

Q: How did Robin Hood tie his shoe laces?
A: With a long bow!

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Who said Winning the Lottery was a 1 in a Million Chance?

Thursday, November 11th, 2010

Winning the lottery must be one of the most amazing feelings in the world and very few of us will ever experience what it is truly like to get handed a check with too many zeroes to contemplate. So what do you say to a guy who has won the lottery TWICE ? Meet Robert Marsh – my soon-to-be-new-best-friend. The guy won his first million on a scratch off ticket in 2008. Then, this year he won a massive $10 million on the same game (Billion Dollar Blockbuster). But that’s not the end of the story: While he was waiting in line to claim his huge prize, Marsh drew another scratch off ticket from his back pocket and added another $500 to his haul! This is definitely a guy worth meeting!

And while we’re on the subject of luck, here’s one courtesy of Jokes4All:

“A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, “You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?”

“What dear?” she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

“I think you’re bad luck.”

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Viva la Lottery!

Friday, November 5th, 2010

Yikes! Did you read about the latest lottery win in Italy? I get excited when someone wins $50 million in the States, and then along comes an extremely lucky person and grabs a massive $248 million lottery prize in Italy this weekend! I mean, think of that amount. Just say it. Two. Hundred. And. Forty. Eight. Million. Dollars. The lottery had been climbing steadily and was finally won after nine months and an incredible 129 draws, where nobody claimed the prize. Nobody knows yet where the winning ticket was bought, and even when the prize is claimed, it will probably not be publicized as jackpot winners’ names are very seldom told in the press. Mama Mia!

Play Keno!
Courtesy of Top Fool Joke Collection: “An Italian man walking along a New Jersey beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden he said out loud, “God, grant me one wish.” Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the God said, “Because you have had the faith to ask, I will grant you one wish.” The man said, “Build a bridge to Italy, so I can drive over anytime I want to.”

God said, “Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the ocean! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me.”

The Italian man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, “God, I have been married and divorced four times. All of my wives said that I am uncaring and insensitive. Here is my wish: I would like to know how to make an Italian woman happy.

After a few minutes God said, “You want two lanes or four on that bridge?””

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