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I think I’m going to move countries and continents to a little Spanish town called Sort (Luck in Catalan). I read this week that his town, nestling in the foothills of the Pyrenees, sold tickets worth €15 million in their last lottery draw for El Gordo (literally ‘The Fat One’ – referring to the size of the lottery). After I’ve moved, I’m going to head on down to a shop called La Bruixa d’Or (Golden Witch) which has apparently sold more tickets than any other Spanish outlets, and has sold winning tickets quite a few times in the past. After buying myself a ticket there, I’m going to win myself a good chunk of cash and spend all my days sipping Spanish beer and enjoying the sunshine…. How’s that for a New Year’s resolution??

Courtesy of Craziest Jokes: “A man travels to Spain and goes to a Madrid restaurant for a late dinner. He orders the house special and is brought a plate with potatoes, corn and two large meaty objects.
“What’s this?” he asks. “Conjones, senor,” the waiter explains.
“What are conjones?” asks the man. “Conjones,” replies the waiter, “are the testicles of the bull that lost at the arena this afternoon.”
At first the man is disgusted, but being the adventurous type, he decides to try this local delicacy. To his amazement, it is quite delicious. In fact, it is so good that he decides to come back again the next night and order it again.
After the dinner the man informed the waiter that these were even better than the paid he had the previous afternoon but the portion was much smaller.
“Senor,” the waiter explains. “The bull does not lose every time.”

Did the Cyprus government really think that getting rid of online gambling on the island would be THAT simple? When the government decided to take its case to the European Commission and bring a stop to this pastime due to ‘increased crime’, many predicted that it wouldn’t be easy going. At first the Commission said that it would give input into the case before the end of the year, but it seems the guys at the EC are already enjoying their eggnog and couldn’t be bothered. As such, they declared that their input wouldn’t arrive before March, 2011. First they have to get back from Christmas holidays, then celebrate New Year, then return from New Year’s holidays, then get back into things real slow… In the meantime, Cypriot gamblers have been granted a reprieve and can continue wagering to their hearts’ content without looking over their shoulders.

Courtesy of ILoveIndia.com: “On New Year’s Eve, Daniel was in no shape to drive, so he sensibly left his van in the car park and walked home. As he was wobbling along, he was stopped by a policeman. ‘What are you doing out here at four o’clock in the morning?’ asked the police officer.
‘I’m on my way to a lecture,’ answered Roger.
‘And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time on New Year’s Eve?’ enquired the constable sarcastically.
‘My wife,’ slurred Daniel grimly.”

The German lender, Deutsche Bank, opened its Cosmopolitan of Las Vegas casino on the Strip this week at a huge unveiling party. I know that statistics out of Las Vegas show that things are improving and that business is picking up slightly, but I hope that the opening of the Cosmopolitan wasn’t done too much in haste. I mean, we’re talking about a $3.9 billion resort that has opened just at a time when Vegas is still trying to rebound from a battered economy that took a terrible toll on tourism. Although more visitors have come to Vegas than 2008 and 2009, the addition of an extra casino makes competition tougher. But – in true pre-Christmas cheer – I’m sending my best wishes to the new Cosmopolitan and hope that it does extremely well in 2011 and beyond.

After 25 years of marriage, William and Mildred take a trip to Vegas to celebrate. As they walk into the hotel lobby, they are approached by a young woman in a short skirt. William brushes her off rudely. Mildred whispers: “That wasn’t very nice. What did that sweet young woman do to deserve that?” William sighs and says: “She was a prostitute.” Mildred doesn’t believe him, so William decides to prove it to her.
They go up to the room and he makes Mildred hide in the bathroom to hear the conversation. He then asks for the young woman to be sent up to his room.
“I see you’re interested after all,” she said.
“We’ll see,” said William. “But first, tell me how much you charge.”
“$125 for basic, $200 for extras,” she said.
“That’s too much,” said William. “I thought somewhere around $25. Sorry. Not interested.”
The young lady leaves and William says to Mildred, “You see, I told you.”
They go down to dinner and are sitting at the bar, when the young woman sidles up to William, points to Mildred and whispers in his ear: “See what you get for $25?”

The guys at Cardoza Publishing thought they could get away with cheating one of their authors by withholding marketing information on poker books written, but a judge ordered the publication house to pay out big in royalties after they were taken to court. Ken Warren wrote six books for Cordoza about poker between 1996 and 2008. The author claimed to the court that the publishers misled him regarding the number of books that had sold and how much he was due in royalties. They also failed to tell him about the number of books sold overseas.
As such, Cordoza was ordered to pay Warren over $1.6 million due to him. Kudos to the court for bringing justice to where it’s due!

Courtesy of Jokes About Writing:
A writer died and was given the option of going to heaven or hell.
She decided to check out each place first. As the writer descended into the fiery pits, she saw row upon row of writers chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they were repeatedly whipped with thorny lashes.
“Oh my,” said the writer. “Let me see heaven now.”
A few moments later, as she ascended into heaven, she saw rows of writers, chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they, too, were whipped with thorny lashes.
“Wait a minute,” said the writer. “This is just as bad as hell!”
“Oh no, it’s not,” replied an unseen voice. “Here, your work gets published.”

I had to laugh this week when I saw the new games released by Microgaming software group ahead of the Christmas season. True to its promise, Microgaming rolls out four new titles each month and it must be difficult to come up with new and innovative themes each time. This month’s release includes a game called Santa’s Wild Ride which has Papa Noel swapping his traditional sleigh and reindeers for a Harley Davidson motorcycle! I guess we can’t blame the guys at Microgaming for lack of imagination. If you can get past that theme without destroying your childhood fantasies of the way Santa should act, this game is highly entertaining, with lots of extra bonus features to keep you well rewarded. Kudos to Microgaming for daring to make groundbreaking changes to Santa’s persona!

How to Confuse Santa Clause:

Leave him a salad instead of milk and cookies, telling him he needs to lose weight.
Write him a speeding ticket when he parks his sleigh outside.
Build an army of snowmen with signs saying: “We hate Christmas”.
Leave out a Santa suit with a dry cleaning bill.
Decorate the house with Easter decorations, dress up like the Easter Bunny and when Santa comes down the chimney, tell him that he’s got his seasons confused and it must be old age catching up to him!

This tale would be funny if it wasn’t so sad… but you know me by now so I’m going to share it with you anyway. A UK man goes to his GP to obtain pills for his newly diagnosed Parkinson’s disease. However, the medication that was supposed to help him control the disease actually turned him into a sex crazed transvestite who ran up hundreds of thousands of pounds in gambling debts. Pete Shepherd turned from a respectable town councilor into someone who dressed as a woman for attention, lost his wife, his home and his high-paying job in just 7 years and could not control his gambling compulsions. In the end, he managed to convince a court that he could not be held responsible for his actions, and the pills were to blame. Here’s a hint for Mr. Shepherd, if he’s reading this: Get your GP to readjust your medication!

Blonde Medical Definitions:

Bacteria – back door of cafeteria
Cat Scan – searching for kitty
Colic – sheep dog
Coma – a punctuation mark
Dilate – to live long
Enema – not a friend
Fester – quicker
Impotent – distinguished, well-known
Labor pain – got hurt at work
Outpatient – person who has fainted
Nitrate – cheaper than day rate
Pelvis – cousing of Elvis
Protein – favoring young people
Secretion – hiding anything
Terminal disease – sickness at airport
Tumor – an extra pair
Urine – opposite of you’re out
Varicose – located nearby