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What happens if you sit on a chair for three full days in a row, without eating, sleeping or getting up, happily playing your favorite online gambling games? Do you think you have cause for concern? A guy from Beijing didn’t really stop to think of the consequences when he went on a three day gambling spree at an internet café. Not only did he lose around $1,500, he then fell into a coma and had to be taken to a clinic by ambulance. He was pronounced dead soon after. Of course, the Chinese authorities stepped in and did the most logical thing… they confiscated several computers at the internet cafe… Still trying to figure that one out…

A man has suffered for years from insomnia and finally decides that he’s going to seek medical assistance. He goes to the doctor and tells him how he lies awake for nights at a time without getting a wink of sleep.
The doctor gives him a full medical examination, prodding him here and there, listening to this and that.
Finally, the doctor is ready to give his diagnosis and says: “Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you need to stop taking your troubles to bed with you!”
The patient stops to think about this and finally replies:
“It`s true. The only problem is that my wife refuses to sleep alone.”

A woman who got herself into debt of over $75,000 through casino gambling decided that she’d deal with the problem in what she considered a creative way – she’d set her husband alight. The Vietnamese woman, Tran Thuy Lieu racked up quite a bill at her local casinos and, when she couldn’t pay her debts, begged her husband to sell their house. When he refused, she decided to scare him into submission and torched him in the middle of the night. The poor man lay in hospital for ten days with third degree burns until his succumbed to his wounds and died. Ironically, her husband was a journalist who regularly wrote about underworld criminals. In the past, he was threatened by these gangs, but he never expected to die at the hands of his wife in his very own home.

A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job.
The officer wants to ask her a few questions…
Officer: What’s 2+2?
Blonde: Ummmmm… 4!
Officer: What’s the square root of 100?
Blonde: Ummmm…10!
Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln?
Blonde: Ummmm… I dunno.
Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow.
The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job. The blonde says, excitedly, “Not only did I get the job, I’m already working on a murder case!”

Simon Cowell is a guy that you either absolutely love, or absolutely hate. I fall into the first camp. I think the guy is a genius and has managed to create a genre of reality TV that has changed the face of the media forever. I read this week that Cowell has another ambitious project – he will create a new lottery style live quiz game called Roulette that will pilot in June. The show will have 17,000 Britons pay £1 for the chance to win their way into the quiz show, with the big prize up for grabs being £1 million! The show will air on the English ITV1 and has to potential to be Cowell’s biggest success yet – and that’s no small feat considering that he is behind shows such as X Factor and Britain’s Got Talent!

Cowell is best known for his no-frills, sometimes insulting, comments to contestants on shows such as X Factor and American Idol. I’ve chosen some of the better ones:

If your lifeguard duties were as good as your singing, a lot of people would be drowning.

If you were singing like this two thousand years ago, people would have stoned you.

Zero for effort, zero for style, zero for star quality, and you know what: I’m being generous.

You sound like a cat in a vacuum cleaner – dreadful!

I’m sorry: There’s bad… and then there’s you.

I’ve had more fun in a dentist’s chair. You couldn’t hit a note if your life depended on it.

If you were a horse, after that performance they’d shoot you….

Talk about making a grand entrance! A couple from North Carolina decided to keep everyone guessing and only claimed their $1 million lottery win on the very last day they were eligible to do so. The state allows lottery winners to claim the money within six month – or forfeit the win. Raleigh Hill found out that his Mega Millions ticket had won on August 20th, 2010 but it took him several weeks before he had the guts to tell his wife. He says that it’s because he didn’t want the attention that comes with winning the lottery. But Hill was so nervous that he kept hiding the winning ticket around the house and at one point thought that he had lost it! In the end, he remembered that he had hidden it in a shoebox and he happily went on to claim the prize on the last possible day.

And in honor of the lottery, here are a few quotes about it by famous people:

“Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery?’” Jay Leno

“I figure you have the same chance of winning the lottery whether you play or not.” Fran Lebowitz

Remember that you are an Englishman, and have consequently won first prize in the lottery of life.” Cecil Rhodes

I’m going to call myself Susan and move to Birmingham. No, that’s not a New Year’s resolution – it’s just my way of improving my luck at online bingo sites and hopefully join the other Susans who have, statistically, won millions of dollars at Gala Bingo in the past five years. The bingo site examined billions of bingo tickets sold to players to find out which is the luckiest name overall, and Susan won outright. Players from Birmingham in the UK were also the luckiest in terms of demographics. If Susan doesn’t sound quite right, you could try Julie or Karen, both lucky names. Make sure that you’re female, in your forties and a Taurus if you really want to win big – all these criteria make up the ultimate winner at Gala Bingo!

And on the subject of names (and courtesy of Jokes4All):

“A man was invited for dinner at a friend’s house. Every time the host needed something, he preceded his request to his wife by calling her “My Love”, “Darling”, “Sweetheart”, etc., etc.

His friend looked at him and said, “That’s really nice after all of these years you’ve been married to keep saying those little pet names.”

The host said, “Well, honestly, I’ve forgotten her name.”

Talk about poetic justice. A guy who is alleged to have conned people out of $275 million thought that he could enjoy the ‘fruits of his labor’ by making even more wagering at online poker sites. However, poker obviously isn’t Jeremy Johnson’s strong point and he managed to lose literally millions at Full Tilt Poker and Poker Stars. He was a frequent gambler at Wynn in Las Vegas and other MGM Resort properties and played under the name ginette22 at Full Tilt Poker. Johnson allegedly spent hours at high stake tables at online poker sites, wagering as much as $5,000 at a time. Between April and October, 2010, he lost $1.5 million. Johnson has since been caught and his assets have been frozen – hopefully some of it will be returned to innocent people who lost out to his weird scams.

Courtesy of Joke Budhha:

A convicted felon was given ten years without parole for his latest crime. After 2 years in jail, he managed to escape. His escape was the lead item on the six o’clock news.
Because he had to be careful, he worked his way home taking little travelled routes, running across deserted fields and taking every precaution he could think of.
Eventually he arrived at his house and he rang the bell. His wife opened the door and bellowed at him, “You good-for-nothing bum! Where the hell have ya been? You escaped over six hours ago.”

Who said that gambling wasn’t doing so well in the United States? A new casino that opened up in Michigan this weekend had to turn visitors away as they filled to capacity. Even law enforcement officers had to be called in to close exit ramps to the Gun Lake Casino. The parking lot was full and cars couldn’t even get into the vicinity of the place. It just goes to show that Michigan residents have been desperate for some good casino entertainment, and they have waited years for this to happen. The opening of the new Wayland Township casino attests to the fact that it’s worth exercising patience, even if hundreds of the overflow crowd were turned away on the opening day.

Courtesy of eBaum’s World

Why Patience is a Virtue

A supervisor, manager, and the director are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, “I’ll give each of you just one wish..”

“Me first! Me first!” says the supervisor. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.”
Puff! He’s gone.

“Me next! Me next! ”says the manager. “I want to be in Hawaii ,
relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.”

Puff! He’s gone.

“OK, you’re up,” the Genie says to the director.
The director says: “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

We’re quite used to see Bruce Willis take part in action movies, and so I was surprised to see the Hollywood actor in negotiations to play gambling boss, Dink Heimowitz in the new movie, Lay The Favorite, Take the Dog. The film is adapted from Beth Raymor’s Lay the Favorite: A Memoir of Gambling and chronicles the author’s years working the world of Vegas sports gambling. She even describes how she was introduced into the world of gambling by her father at the age of 7 by being sent to watch the greyhounds in their kennels before a race. I guess Willis has had with action films, after an unimpressionable Die Hard 5, and is keen to take on the role as the “lovable, irascible and big-bellied “Dinky”. I’m not sure Mr. Meat will meet the ‘big-bellied’ part in the movie, but he is certainly lovable – in his own special way.

The guy who directed the Die Hard movies and The Hunt for the Red October has been jailed for lying to the FBI.
The director says the only crime he committed was thinking that Bruce Willis could act.

Bruce Willis is reportedly furious that his ‘yippie-ki-yay, mother#&*’ catchphrase has been cut from his new Die Hard movie.
If the producers could cut out the remaining 102 minutes, that’d be great too.

The much loved Sumos who are so ingrained in Japanese national culture have brought disgrace to the sport and their country, amidst allegations of match fixing. In one of the worst blows to the sport in history, the Japan Sumo Association has decided to cancel next month’s grand tournament after police started to investigate allegations of match fixing involving 13 super serious senior Sumos. So disgraceful is this scandal that even the Prime Minister, Naota Kan said that it was a ‘betrayal’ of the people. The issue came to light after police confiscated the phones of several wrestlers last year and saw that they had sent detailed text messages to each other, detailing their plans. I guess these guys have fallen on their heads once too often – I mean, if you’re already going to go to all that effort to jeopardize yourself, your sport, your nation and national integrity at large DON’T SPELL IT OUT ON YOUR PHONE!

Sumo Pick Up Lines, courtesy of Asian Jokes and Joke Buddha:

• They call me Don Juan in an Diaper!
• I’m a 400 pound hunk of burnin’ love.
• Wanna wrassle?
• You can be on top.

AND:

“The world’s most incredibly lazy man found a magic lamp. He rubbed it and a genie appeared and granted him three wishes. He wished for a horse, a sumo wrestler and a squirrel.

“They’re yours, but what are they for?” the genie asked.

“I’m tired of walking everywhere–I want to just ride the horse. The sumo wrestler is so that I won’t have to work to get on the horse.”

“But the squirrel?” asked the genie.

“I need something to go’ click-click’ to start the horse!!!”

Ooh-la-la! A Frenchman has decided to take pharmaceutical company to court, charging that a drug that was prescribed to treat his Parkinson’s, turned him into a gambling addict and a pursuer of gay sex. Unfortunately for the company, GlaxoKlineSmith, there is reason to believe that the effects of the drug Requip could cause behavior so erratic that he may have been driven to lose his family’s entire savings and steal more money in order to be able to afford his online gambling addiction. It has been known for some time now that Requip intensifies compulsive or unusual behavior, however scientists agree that the drug could not have caused the Frenchman to turn homosexual. In 2008, a patient was awarded $8.2 million for gambling losses after taking the drug Mirapex. Interesting stuff….

Courtesy of Basic Jokes:
Three elderly men visited the doctor for a memory test. The doctor asked the first one, “What’s three times three?”
“285!” the man replied.
Worried, the doctor turned to the second man. “How about you? What’s three times three?”
“Uh, Monday!” the second man shouted.
Even more concerned, the doctor motioned to the third man. “Well, what do you say? What’s three times three?”
“Nine!” the third man replied.
“Excellent!” the doctor exclaimed. “How did you get that?”
“Oh, it’s pretty simple,” the man explained. “You just subtract the 285 from Monday!”