BonusRating

When you’re busy cleaning schools for a living, it may cross your mind once in a while that life would be better if you won the lottery. Sixteen cleaners and dinner ladies from Teeside in the UK formed a lottery syndicate, each one contributing £1 every five weeks in order to buy three lucky dips a week. This week, the syndicate hit the jackpot after their numbers came up in the lottery – winning them £4,091,609, or £255,000 each. Many of the 16 are still in shock and can’t believe their luck, while others have already started planning what to do with the cash – including paying for a daughter’s wedding and buying a new car. I guess they were swept away…..

Pupil: There’s a dead fly in my dinner.

Cook: Oh dear, I wonder if it died after tasting it.

Pupil: I thought we got a choice for dinner, but there are only sausages and fries.

Cook: The choice is take it or leave it.

Dinner Lady: It’s very rude to reach over the table for cakes. Haven’t you got a tongue in your head?

Pupil: Yes, but my arms are longer.

Pupil: I don’t like cheese with holes.

Dinner Lady: Well then, just eat the cheese and leave the holes on the side of your plate.

This must be the height of chutzpah: A woman goes out and wins a massive £120,000 on the Lotto and starts living up the high life. She fulfills her dream of learning how to scuba dive. She learns how to fly. She splashes out on luxury cars. She has plastic surgery done. But what she fails to do is to remember to tell the authorities that she has won the lottery, and continues to claim disability benefits on behalf of her husband. Lesley Brogan said that he relied on her 24/7 to care for him – which is going a bit far, since she was clearly not around all day with those flying lessons and scuba diving trips, as well as going under the knife. The judge also wasn’t impressed with this mum-of-three’s logic … and promptly jailed her for 21 months.

What’s the definition of chutzpah?
A boy who kills his parents and then begs the court for mercy – because he’s an orphan.

A woman, searching for a job, inquired about the benefits.
The Personnel Manager informed her they had group health and life insurance, but the costs were deducted from the employee’s pay.
She said, “My last employer had full health coverage, as well as five years salary for life insurance and a month’s sick leave AND they paid the full premiums.”
“I can’t help but asking madam why you would leave a job with such benefits,” the interviewer replied.
The woman shrugged her shoulders and said, “The company went bankrupt.”

If your best friend won the lottery, you may turn a lightish shade of green, but the bottom line is that you’ll probably be really happy for him. But that’s not the case with Eric Hawkinson’s buddies who opted to celebrate his lottery victory in a different sort of way… they shot him. The lottery winner was shot at four times by Carmine Palella and Robert Eglish, after he won $100,000 in the Illinois Lottery. They planned to kill him and rob him of his winnings, but fortunately for him, they weren’t too successful. “You’ve got to look closer at who your friends are,” said Hawkinson. Um… yeah… good idea…
The ‘friends’, by the way, were sentenced to 23 years in prison….

And on the subject of best friends (this time a Girl’s Best Friend)…

Bill meets his friend Dougie shopping in the mall and sees that he is carrying a small gift wrapped box in his hand.

“Been shopping for something special?” he asked.

“Yeah, it’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow and I asked her what she wanted as a gift,” said Dougie.

“And?” asked Bill.

“Well, she said she didn’t know what she wanted exactly, as long as it had something with diamonds on,” said Dougie.

“So did you buy her a ring, a necklace, a bracelet, what?” asked Bill.

“Nah, I bought her a pack of poker cards,” said Dougie