Archive for April, 2011

Jamie Oliver’s Restaurant Management Arrested for Gambling Related Arson and Theft

Saturday, April 9th, 2011

Famous cook, Jamie Oliver opened an exclusive restaurant, Fifteen, in Melbourne Australia and hired 34 year old Kevin Stralow to manage the place for him. Only, instead of directing the profits back into Jamie Oliver’s ever-expanding empire, Mr. Stralow allegedly gambled away thousands of dollars worth of takings on high roller slot games. And then, to cover his tracks, he allegedly set the restaurant alight and burnt it down, causing damage worth millions. His lawyers are arguing that just because he was caught on CCTV going into the restaurant, then leaving a few minutes later, shortly after which time smoke was seen billowing from the windows, does not mean that he torched it down. The trial continues in Melbourne.

Customer to his friend: “This is a wonderful restaurant. I ordered salad and I got the freshest salad in the world, I ordered coffee, and I got the freshest coffee in the world”.

Friend: “I know – I ordered a small steak and got a calf.”

Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon? Great food but no atmosphere.

Is your food spicy, sir?

No, smoke always comes out of my ears.

There was a terrible fight at the seafood restaurant. Four fish got battered.

Waiter, waiter, does the pianist play requests?

Yes, sir.

Then tell him to please play tiddlywinks until I’ve finished my meal.

Helen Mirren Seeks Palace Sized Lottery Wins

Saturday, April 9th, 2011

Helen Mirren, the award winning actress who has earned millions for her portrayals in movies, with a special niche for roles featuring royalty, has disclosed a little secret – she still buys lottery tickets. Dame Mirren said that she needs to win the lottery in order to refurbish an old castle that she bought together with her husband a few years ago – and that is in serious need of work. “It’s a fantasy that we all have about ‘What would we do if you had a billion dollars,” she said. “That’s why, when the lottery gets really big and it’s up to $40 million or $50 million, I go out and buy a ticket. It’s ‘maybe I’ll win’.” I like Ms Mirren, but for some reason I don’t think she’s going to trump up any sympathy from us mere mortals on this one…

It was announced that the Queen had gone on a short informal walkabout today shortly after hitting her thumb with a hammer.

Prince Charles arrives in Iran on an official visit. He says to the President ” Where’s the Shah?” ” What do you mean?” says the President.” There is no Shah. We got rid of the Shah years ago.” “Okay,” says Prince Charles. ” In that case I’ll have a bath.”

Which King felt a fraction of his former self? Henry 1/8th!

All for the Kids: Stanley Ho Resolves Gambling Dynasty Dispute

Saturday, April 2nd, 2011

What parents just wouldn’t do to bring about family unity…. Stanley Ho, multi million dollar gambling tycoon, who owns a majority chunk of Macau, has given up nearly his entire stake in the parent of SJM Holdings Ltd (considered Asia’s biggest casino company), just to end a family dispute that saw some of his kids pitted against each other. His current wife, Angela Leong, who is also the mother of his five youngest children, will get 6% of the parent company. An analyst said that “Angelo Leong seems to be the winner as her part of the stake becomes bigger than before.” Earlier this year, it was reported that his eldest daughter Pansy Ho seized his 31.7% stake in the parent company, forcing him to sue to reclaim his assets. Must be pretty lousy to be 89 years old and still busy trying to break up your kids’ fights….

Two sisters were having a cat fight with each other over the possession of a doll.

After hearing yelling and screaming from their room, their Mom came barging in and tried to separate the two.

“Stop fighting both of you,” she said firmly. “This is totally unacceptable behavior. In our family, we have to stick to rules, and one of them is to learn to give and take!”

One of the kids replied: “That’s exactly what we did, mom! Susan took my doll and I gave her a slap!

 

How to Wynn at Online Poker

Saturday, April 2nd, 2011

Steve Wynn, the founder and CEO of the multi million dollar enterprise, Wynn Resorts in Las Vegas, has made a dramatic turnaround regarding his stance on internet poker. Two years ago, the guy was blasting attempts to have online poker legalized, but – as he watches the demand for this form of entertainment heating up in the US, and scared to miss the boat – Wynn announced this week that he has signed a strategic deal with Poker Stars that will have the two entities working towards a legalized and regulated online poker regime. “After much study, we are convinced that the lack of regulation of Internet gaming within the U.S. must change. We must recognize that this activity is occurring and that law enforcement does not have the tools to stop it,” he said (well, duh). After the laws in the US change, the two groups will form a new online poker site – PokerStarsWynn.com. Who woulda thought….?

In Vegas, they’ll bet on anything. One casino was ready to let me bet on whether I’d win or lose there.

Q: What is the only way to keep your money from the casinos in Vegas?

A: When you get off the plane walk into the propellers.

A young blonde went to Las Vegas. She had been in the casino for about an hour and realized she was thirsty. She went to the pop machine in the hall. She put in $1 and out came a Pepsi. She put in another $1 and another Pepsi came out. She put in another and another Pepsi came out. “What are you doing?” asked the man behind her in the line irritably. “Duh!! I’m winning!!” she replied.