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In an amazing stroke of luck, a spring clean by a Canadian woman led her to claiming a $500,000 windfall at the last minute. Wendy Mallette was cleaning out her drawer in her home when she came across an old lottery ticket. Before flinging it, she decided, on a whim, to check to see if it was worth anything, and was stunned to discover that its value was half of a $1 million Maxmillions prize. Incredibly, if she had found it a few short weeks later, it would have been too late to claim the money since lottery tickets have an expiry date after 12 months. Now that’s what you call a clean win!

Five Spring Cleaning Tips (courtesy: Paradoxpro.com)

1. Don’t vacuum too often— it weakens the carpet fibers. Say this with a serious face, and shudder delicately whenever anyone mentions Carpet Fresh.

2. If disturbed, dust bunnies cannot evolve into dust rhinos. Rename the area under the couch “The Galapagos Islands,” and claim an ecological exemption.

3. Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an SPF factor of 5, and leave it alone.

4. Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If your husband points out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply look affronted and exclaim, “What? And spoil the mood?”

5. Explain away the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing hand-sewn play animals for underprivileged children.

Bible bashers in the Tunica region of the US must’ve seen it as a sign from above when several casinos were forced to shut down as the waters of the Mississippi rose, following severe flooding recently. However, it seems that the good Lord doesn’t mind the existence of these gambling institutions, after it was reported this week that the Gold Strike Casino is back in business, with more than 1,300 staff members back at work, now that flood waters have receded significantly. As such, players were able to enjoy their favorite poker, roulette and cap games. The Gaming Commission said that, as the situation improves, it will give the green light for other casinos to reopen.

A man was sitting on his front porch when it started to rain. The rain came down harder and harder and the man realized that it was a flood. So the flood waters were rising and when the water started to spill over the porch, a man in a rowboat comes by. And the man in the rowboat says, “Need any help?”

But the man said, “Nope, the Lord’ll take care of me!” A few hours later, the man was standing on a chair on his front porch and another rowboat comes by.

And the man inside yells, “Need any help?”

But the man smiles and says, “Nope, the Lord’ll take care of me!”

A few hours later, the man is on his roof and a helicopter comes by and the pilot inside yells, “Need any help?!”

But the man just says, “Nope! The Lord’ll take care of me!”

A few hours later, the flood gets to be too much for the man and he drowns. When he enters Heaven, he asks the Lord, “Lord, why didn’t you take care of me?”

The Lord says, “Well, I sent you two rowboats and a helicopter! Why the hell didn’t you hop on?”

I guess guys who got used to the good service at so-called lingerie cafes in a Southern California suburb will need to go someplace else for their entertainment. Not only have the authorities ordered the bare-breasted waitresses in these locations to cover up as they’re breaking modesty laws, they also ordered the owners to take down gambling machines that were rigged up for the patrons’ pleasure. The Orange County city of Garden Grove voted this week 4-0 that nudity, gambling and even smoking in these sexy cafes was not permissible. The waitresses were told to cover up and 200 gambling machines were confiscated. Spoil sports.

Courtesy of CleanJoke.com:

“A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, “I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards.”

The new blonde waitress not wanting to appear stupid went to the kitchen and said to the cook, “This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is… an auto parts store?”

“No,” the cook said. “Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are two slices of crisp bacon.”

“Oh, OK!” said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.

The trucker asked, “What are the beans for, Blondie?

She replied, “I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!!”

Oh boy. Just when you think that US gamblers can’t get hit any lower by authorities, along comes another pending lawsuit. A woman from San Diego has now decided that the games that kids play in the restaurants in the Chuck E. Cheese chain are akin of gambling and, since gambling is illegal in California, she claims, Chuck E. Cheese has to pay her out up to $5 million. Remember, we’re talking about a KIDS game room, where the most you can win is a stuffed animal by winning enough tickets in the games room! The mother-of-two is claiming that there is no skill involved in winning the tickets, making the games illegal (compared to games of skill). “It’s just pure random luck in terms of spinning out a result. That, we believe, is a slot machine as California penal code spells out,” said the woman’s lawyer. They don’t get better, do they?!

A duck walks into a restaurant bar and asks, “Do you have any quackers?”
Bartender looks at him and says “no”. Duck walks out.
Next day, Duck walks into the same bar and asks the same bartender, “Do you have any quackers?”
Bartender looks at him and says, “NO”
Next day, Duck walks in again and asks the bartender “Do you have any quackers?”
Bartender throws his bar rag down in disgust and says, “NO! if you come in here one more time and ask if we have quackers, im going to nail your feet to the floor!! Now get the hell out of here!”
Next day, duck walks in and the bartender sees him and says “What did I tell you?!”
Duck looks at him and asks “Do you have any nails?”
Bartender looks puzzled and says “No!?”
Duck then asks “Do you have any quackers?”

888.com decided to promote free spins at its casino through an innocent little pop up ad on Facebook – on its own page, mind you. But for some reason, the British Advertising Standards Authority decided to heed the complaint of one, single, solitary person and launch an investigation into the ad. Its conclusion? The ad has to be removed from Facebook and can never appear again in its current form. And the reason, ladies and gentleman? “We considered that … the ad … condoned and encouraged gambling behavior…” Um, not meaning to be rude here, but wouldn’t you expect a gambling ad to encourage gambling behavior? Isn’t that the POINT of a gambling ad? I think I lost these guys somewhere along the way, probably at the point where they felt a formal investigation was required into a three second pop up that offended one, single person….

Courtesy of Funny Jokes ‘n Pictures:

Advertising Terms:

Ever wonder what all those advertising terms really mean?

NEW – Different color from previous design.

ALL NEW – Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.

FOOLPROOF OPERATION – No provision for adjustments.

ADVANCED DESIGN – The advertising agency doesn’t understand it.

REDESIGNED – Previous flaws fixed – we hope.

YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT – We finally got one to work.

MAINTENANCE FREE – Impossible to fix.

MEETS ALL STANDARDS – Ours, not yours.

SOLID-STATE – Heavy as hell.

We’re always hearing tales about the British not willing to bend the rules just a little bit, but I didn’t think that they’d take it so far. NHS bosses have spoiled the party by stopping hospital workers from toasting their £1.3 million lottery win with a bottle of bubbly. The 30 nurses, who have a lottery syndicate running, found out they were winners and got together to pose for their victory photo. But when Lotto staff got out glasses to pour celebratory champagne, NHS bosses told them that strict hospital rules forbid them from drinking on the job. When they explained that it was simply for the photo, and asked whether they could simply spray the drink, they were told no once more. “You shouldn’t encourage people to drink excessively – but if there’s one time in life when it’s OK to have a glass of bubbly, it’s probably when you have just won the lottery!” noted one onlooker, who called the situation “a bit of a farce”.

The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his cheek. “I assume,” she snarled, “that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in at six o’clock in the morning?”

“There is.” he replied, “Breakfast.”

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How do you get a blonde on the roof?
Tell her drinks are on the house.

It’s the thing that nightmares are made of for any land-based casino – legislation calling for a sweeping smoking ban on all public places, gambling establishments included. So it must have come as quite a relief for Iowa casinos when the state House rejected efforts to include casinos in the ban as part of a larger gambling bill. Those in favor of excluding the casinos said that Iowa gamblers would simply up and leave to other states in order to enjoy their gambling entertainment. In the end, the casinos won and Iowans are allowed to puff to their hearts’ content, knowing that they can smoke and gamble under one roof… for the time being.

A guy is standing on the corner of the street smoking one cigarette after another. A lady walking by notices him and says: “Hey, don’t you know that those things can kill you? I mean, didn’t you see the giant warning on the box?!”
“That’s OK” says the guy, puffing casually “I’m a computer programmer”
“So? What’s that got to do with anything?”
“We don’t care about warnings. We only care about errors.”

A young man at a New Year’s party turned to his friend and asked him for a cigarette.
“I thought you made a New Year’s resolution to quit smoking,” said his friend.
“I’m in the process of quitting,” the man replied, “Right now, I am in the middle of phase one.”
“What’s phase one?’” asked his friend.
“I’ve quit buying.”