BonusRating

Caesars Entertainment has turned to tapping into the greater US retail market by allowing regular consumers to earn reward points to its casinos and hotels. People who buy gas, furniture, lighting and other day-to-day goods through online retail stores, will be able to accrue Total Rewards and use them towards free hotel rooms, casino perks and meals, said the group. With gambling generating only 39% of the revenue on the Vegas Strip last year, down from 46% a decade ago, it seems that gambling companies are doing all they can to target new clientele. Good luck to them!

A Day in the Life of a Shopaholic, courtesy Funny Jokes Online
00:01 – 07:15 Dream about shopping
07:15 – 07:20 Place bid on eBay auction for diamond ring.
07:20 – 08:00 Read latest mail order catalogues.
08:00 – 09:10 Watch QVC – buy 6 months supply of moisturizer.
09:10 – 09:15 Place higher bid on eBay auction.
09:15 – 18:00 Shop! Shop! Shop! Shop!
18:00 – 18:05 Place higher bid on eBay auction.
18:05 – 20:30 Play with all of today’s purchases.
20:30 – 23:40 Buys lots from QVC
23:40 – 23:42 Place higher bid on eBay auction.
23:42 – 23:44 Place even higher bid on eBay auction.
23:44 – 23:46 Place mammothly high bid on eBay auction.
23:46 – 24:00 Celebrate!!!!!

A trial is currently underway in Alabama where nine people stand accused of concocting a scheme to pass legislation that would help casinos in the state. Land owner, Milton McGregor and eight other defendants have been widely quoted in the local press, and we bring you some of the more piquant quotes:

Developer Ronnie Gilley is quoted as saying that he went to college for less than a year but “graduated from Hard Knock University.”

McGregor is quoted on tape as saying about the gambling bill that “if we fail, the only thing left standing is the Indians.”

Joe Epsy, McGregor’s attorney, questioned Rep. Barry Mask, who taped conversations between himself and McGregor and helped indict him and the other eight. He brought up the hypocrisy of Mask publicly criticizing gambling, while playing a game of poker, to which Mask replied: “We love to play cards.”

Some (real!) Alabama laws:

· It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle.
· Dominoes may not be played on Sunday.
· Bear wrestling matches are prohibited.
· It is legal to drive the wrong way down a one-way street if you have a lantern attached to the front of your automobile.
· You must have windshield wipers on your car.
· You may not have an ice cream cone in your back pocket at any time.
· Masks may not be worn in public.
· Men may not spit in front of the opposite sex.
· It is illegal to maim oneself to escape duty.
· It is illegal to impersonate a person of the clergy.
· Women are able to retain all property they owned prior to marriage in the case of divorce. However, this provision does not apply to men.
· Incestous marriages are legal.

A woman from Edmonton, Canada won a massive $22.6 million on the Lotto Max lottery draw this week. But instead of thanking her lucky stars, the young woman complained that she just wants to get back to her real life – which comprises of selling hair products in a store… Now, I’m not bashing store workers here, and I can understand the woman’s fears to a degree, but there are so many things that are now open to her that even if she wants to replicate her real life, she can do so! Imagine – having $22.6 million lying around in your bank account, with you not really wanting it there? I can think of millions of people who would be happy with a fraction of that (uh hum… me…).

And to link employment and cynicism, here are a few quotes taken from actual performance evaluations at various places of work:

“Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.”
“His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.”
“I would not allow this employee to breed.”
“This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won’t be.”
“Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.”
“When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.”
“He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.”
“This young lady has delusions of adequacy.”
“He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.”
“This employee should go far — and the sooner he starts, the better.”
“This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.”

Seems like Spiderman actor, Toby Maguire took his screen role too literally and thought that he’d be able to get out of any trouble that comes his way. A lawsuit has been filed against Maguire for his involvement in an unlicensed gambling ring, after he attended games frequented by high profile and wealthy individuals in luxury hotels and private homes in Los Angeles. And it’s not just Maguire named in the civil lawsuit. Matt Damon, Leonardo diCaprio and Ben Affleck have all been targeted by the lawsuit, which is going after people who played against an embezzling hedge fund manager (who is currently in prison) and won money off of him. His clients are filing civil suits against anyone who won money off the manager in poker games, after it was revealed that he had lost $25 million in these clandestine poker tournaments.

Why is Superman stupid?
Because he wears his underwear over his pants.
Why is Batman more stupid?
Because he wears his underwear over his pants and puts on a belt over his underwear.
Why is Robin even more stupid?
Because he followed what batman did.
Why is Wonder Woman stupid?
Because she wears a belt on her head.
Why is Spiderman the most stupid superhero of them all?
Because he wears his underwear over his head.

We’ve always been told that breakfast is the most important meal of the day, but some people take their habits a bit too far! A 78 year old great-grandmother from Kingston, Canada found out that she was the winner of Lotto 6/49 prize on Wednesday morning, while she has eating her morning meal. “I didn’t know how much the jackpot was until I finished breakfast and went upstairs to the computer to check,” she said. After checking, she found out that she had won a staggering $6.2 million! Now here’s a hypothetical question: If you know that you’ve won the lottery, but don’t know how much, could you honestly sit there finishing off your cornflakes or buttering your toast, knowing that your whole life has the potential of changing in a few minutes? Thought not!

Courtesy of extremelyfunny.com

Morty was in his usual place in the morning sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress that was about to marry a football player who was known primarily for his lack of IQ and common knowledge.

He turned to his wife with a look of question on his face. “I’ll never understand why the biggest jerks in life get the most attractive wives in the end.”

“Why, thank you dear!” she replied.

I really am starting to feel for the guys at Poker Stars online poker site. Not only did they take an incredible blow when they were hit by the US Department of Justice in April over Black Friday, but they are now affected by every possible rumor out there. Media reports recently stated that the online poker firm is planning is leave Australia. Within minutes, the poker world was abuzz with this “news”, including poker forums and chat rooms. This lead to Poker Stars having to put out a special statement saying that: “The rumor that PokerStars has decided to block Australian players on August 1 is not true. If the company decides to block players in Australia or in any other country it will notify players accordingly.” Hey, media outlets out there – give these guys a break. They deserve to be cut some slack…

Courtesy of stuffucanuse:

An Aussie pirate walks into a bar with a wooden leg, a hook and an eye patch.

The Barman says ‘Sheesh – How’d you lose the leg?’

The Pirate says ‘Arrrrr – A shark took it off at the knee.’

The Barman says ‘Thats no good, what about the hand?’

The Piarate says ‘Arrrrg – Lost it in a bloody bar brawl.’

The Barman says ‘Jeez – Well what about the eye then?’

The Pirate says ‘Thats easy a seagull crapped in it.’

The Barman says ‘What?!?!’

The Pirate says ‘Arrrrrrr…I’d only had the hook one day…’

The recent case of a police officer from Oklahoma City who was arrested for ‘three gambling counts’ would be quite tragic if it wasn’t so comic (IMHO). I mean, if you live in Oklahoma City and want to gamble, whether you’re a police officer or not, why don’t you simply get into your car, drive 25 miles in any direction and you can gamble and drink to your heart’s content at a number of legal Indian casinos. And while we’re on the subject of tragic, why is there still a system in the US where one ethnic group is allowed to operate casinos and another is not? Why is it ok for the police officer to gamble in one spot, where 25 km away it’s not legal for him to gamble – and we’re talking about within the borders of the same country here… Go figure.

Courtesy of yuksrus.com:

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, they did some training on a Navajo Indian reservation.

One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question which his son translated. “What are these guys in the big suits doing?”

A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got all excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts.

Recognizing a promotional opportunity for the spin-doctors, the NASA folks found a tape recorder. After the old man recorded his message, they asked the son to translate it. He refused.

So the NASA reps brought the tape to the reservation where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed but refused to translate the elder’s message to the moon.

Finally, the NASA crew called in an official government translator. He reported that the moon message said, “Watch out for these guys; they have come to steal your land.”

For years, Francis Farrugia has kept international police on their toes in their search for him. The 53 year is considered to be one of the world’s biggest gambling cheats, and it is believed that he has netted literally millions of dollars by double dealing on roulette tables. Farrugia and his other two team mates hit the casinos in every corner of the globe, including Australia, Vegas and Macau, “top hatting” their way to their millions by using cheating techniques. Their downfall finally came because of greed, and the higher the stakes they played at a London casino, the more they stood out, until the English surveillance team zoomed in on them and recognized them for who they were. After their arrest, it was found that the team had more than 50 fake ids on them…. I guess Farrugia will have plenty of time to think up some new pseudonyms now that he will be sitting in one place for a very long time….

Courtesy of The Encyclopedia of Scams:

A pickpocket has finally been caught and has been found guilty in court of a long list of crimes. The judge says to the pickpocket “give me one good reason why I should not look you up.”

To which the pickpocket replies “Well, it wasn’t me! You see my right arm stole the watch. I should not be held responsible for something my right arm did!”

The judge figures that this particular criminal is a smart alec and so decides to play him at his own game.

“Very well! I sentence your right arm to ten years hard labor.”

At which point the pickpocket removes his artificial arm, lays it on the judge’s bench, and walks free!

Everyone’s doing the green thing, and the casino industry isn’t that different – but this week I read that casino workers may be taking the environmental issues a bit to the extreme. Apparently, a company that supplies uniforms is creating shirts for casino workers out of recycled plastic bottles. They use a special process to break the bottles down into a workable material, and from that they make shirts for workers in the industry. According to the article, it takes five plastic bottles to make shirt, and I doubt very much that the number will make even the slightest dent in the 2.5 MILLION bottles thrown away by Americans every single HOUR. But then again, if these guys want to do their bit for the environment, who are we to argue?

Courtesy of HubPages:

A woman called her husband during the day and asked him to pick up some organic vegetables for that night’s dinner on his way home.

The husband arrived at the store and began to search all over for organic vegetables before finally asking the produce guy where they were. The produce guy didn’t know what he was talking about, so the husband said: “These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with poisonous chemicals?”

To which the produce guy replied, “No, sir, you will have to do that yourself.”

A guy who thought up an ingenious, albeit illegal, way of increasing his chances of winning the lottery, finally saw his luck run out this week. Robert Ladd went on a burglary spree at a number of convenience stores where Hot Spot lottery tickets were sold in California. However, state lottery investigators and the Pleasant Hill police soon caught up with him, after he managed to win $59 through the stolen lottery tickets and they were able to trace his identity. Somehow, Ladd didn’t stop to think that the pittance in prize money that he won wasn’t quite worth the risk – and he could receive up to six years in prison for each one of the nine counts of burglary. Add to that the fact that Ladd is a strike two offender, and I have a feeling that the odds aren’t quite in his favor!

Courtesy of Humorsphere:

One late evening, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. Tiptoeing through the living room he suddenly froze when he heard a loud voice say: “Jesus is watching you!”

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again

“Jesus is watching you,” the voice boomed again.

The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.

He asked the parrot: “Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?”

“Yes”, said the parrot.

The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot, “What’s your name?”

“Clarence,” said the bird.

“That’s a dumb name for a parrot,” sneered the burglar. “What idiot named you Clarence?”

The parrot said, “Same idiot who named the rottweiler Jesus.”