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So just when we thought that the poker scandal that rocked Hollywood couldn’t get more complicated, along comes director Nick Cassavertes (who is being sued by bankruptcy trustees for winnings in poker games) and claims that there is no legal basis to file a lawsuit against him because Californian law does not consider Texas Hold em to be an illegal gambling activity. He said that only games with house are considered illegal, and since Texas Hold ‘em is not listed among the game which are illegal in the state, he may just have his lawsuit dismissed after all. Cassavertes, along with Leondardo DiCaprio and Ben Affleck are being sued by trustees of Brad Ruderman, who was convicted of running a ponzi scheme and losing some of the money in high stake Hollywood poker games.
And speaking of another Ponzi schemer, Bernie Madoff, here are a couple of one liners:

Q: How cold is a New York winter?
A: So cold that Bernie Madoff is actually looking forward to burning in hell! 

Q. What is the difference between Slumdog Millionaire and Slimeball Millionaire?
A: Slimeball Millionaire is a movie about Bernard Madoff.  

A Roman Catholic priest, who thought that he could use $300,000 worth of tithes to fund his gambling habits, was sentenced to 60 days in prison. Rev. John Regan would regularly frequent riverboats to place blackjack and craps, where he would regularly play at $25 stake gables. The slightly over-dramatic judge told the good reverend: “You went out into the darkness of night with other people’s money to feed a thrill. It is an indescribable level of betrayal you entered into.” He was also ordered to pay $295,000 in restitution and serve 500 hours of community service. Considering that Rev. Regan was facing up to 15 years in prison, he got of pretty lightly….

Two priests were going to Switzerland on vacation and decided that they would make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts clothes. The next morning, they went to the beach, dressed in their “tourist” garb and were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying the sunshine and the scenery when a drop dead gorgeous redhead in a tiny bikini came walking straight toward them. They couldn’t help but stare and when she passed them she turned to them, smiled and said, “Good morning Father D’Costa, Good Morning Father McKenzie”. They were both stunned. How in the world did she recognize them as priests? The next day they went back to the store, bought even more outrageous outfits. Again, they settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine, etc. After a while, the same gorgeous redhead, wearing a string bikini this time, came walking toward them again. Again, she approached them and greeted them individually, “Good Morning Father D’Costa, Good Morning Father McKenzie,” and started to walk away. One of the priests couldn’t stand it and said, “Just a minute young lady. Yes we are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did you know?” “Oh Father, don’t you recognize me? I’m Sister Mary!”

Is it luck or has she managed to crack the code? A maths professor from the US has made history by becoming the luckiest woman in the world, after winning the Texas scratch card lottery four times. In 1993, she scooped, £3.3 million, in 2006 another £1.4 million, another haul in 2008 for £2 million and her latest win – a huge £6.2 million. Three of the tickets were purchased at the same gas station in Bishop, Texas. Suspicions have been raised as to whether Joan Ginther has managed to crack the code or whether she is just one very lucky person. If the latter theory is anything to go by, it would mean that she has done practically the impossible because the odds of her winning the same lottery four times at sums so great are 1,260,900,000,000, 000,000,000,000 to one or, if you are still with me, [one grain of sand on the planet multiplied by 18]: 1!!!

A Professor of Mathematics sent a fax to his wife which read: “Dear Wife: You must realise that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife. I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that, by the time you receive this fax, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18 year old teaching assistant. I’ll be home before midnight. Your Husband.

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a fax waiting for him which read as follows: Dear Husband: You, too, are 54 years old and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18 year old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18, so don’t wait up. Your Wife.”

Betfair gambling group may have inspired the wrath of feminists out there, but it has certainly turned the attention of many gamblers to their product… and created an unprecedented interest in female beach volleyball! The group, which is actively changing the direction of its marketing campaign, had a quick response code printed on the bikini bottoms of two UK Olympic Team volleyball players, essentially encouraging gamblers to take a picture of their booties and redeem the code for a free flutter! It is believed that Zara Dampney and Shauna Mullin are the first sportswomen to rent their rears in a sponsorship deal. Betfair has already been told that it will not be allowed to pull this advertising stunt during the Olympics, where it is sponsoring the UK female beach volleyball team.

A Polish guy is walking along the beach in France. There are many beautiful women and he really wants to meet one. But the women don’t seem to be at all interested. Finally, he walks up to a French guy surrounded by adoring women.”Excuse me,” he says, “but I’ve been trying to meet one of those women for about an hour now, and I just can’t seem to get anywhere with them. You’re French. You know these women. What do they want?”
“Maybe I can help a leetle beet,” says the Frenchman. “What you do ees you go to zee store. You buy a leetle sweeming suit. You walk up and down zee beach. You meet girl very qweekly zees way.”
“Wow! Thanks!” says the Polish guy, and off he goes to the store. He buys a skimpy red bathing suit, puts it on, and goes back to the beach.
He parades up and down the beach but still has no luck with the ladies.
So he goes back to the Frenchman. “I’m sorry to bother you again,” he says, “but I went to the store, I got a swimsuit, and I still haven’t been able to meet a girl.”
“Okay,” says the Frenchman, “I tell you what you do. You go to zee store. You buy potato. You put potato in sweeming suit and walk up and down zee beach. You will meet girl very, very qweekly zees way.”
“Thanks!” says the guy, and runs off to the store. He buys the potato, puts it in the swimsuit, and marches up and down the beach. Up and down, up and down he walks, but the women will hardly even look at him.
After half an hour he can’t take it anymore and goes back to the Frenchman.”Look,” he says, “I got the suit, I put the potato in it, and I walked up and down the beach- and still nothing! What more can I do?”
“Well,” says the Frenchman, “maybe I can help you a leetle beet. Why don’t you try moving zee potato to the FRONT of zee sweeming suit?”

Six men received an earful from a Malay judge after they were found gambling behind a store in Kuala Terengganu. The men, ranging in ages between 24 and 60 were each fined RM 2,000 for committing the offence, but their castigation didn’t end there. The judge, Nor Azizah Mohd Yosuf yelled at them for gambling during the holy month of Ramadan. “Looking at your ages, you are all grown ups,” she said. “There are fathers, even grandfathers among you. You should feel ashamed before your children, your grandchildren, particularly for gambling during the Ramadan, when traditional Muslims fast for a month.” She ended her scolding with: “If I see you again in this court, I’ll impose no less than a jail sentence.”

And in the spirit of religion, here are a couple of real signs seen on Church bulletin boards:

• “The cost for attending the Prayer and Fasting Conference includes meals.”
• “Ladies don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of all things not worth keeping around the house. Don’t forget your husbands.”
• “Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack’s sermons.”
• Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person(s) you want remembered.
• Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday. Please use the back door.
• Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.