BonusRating

The village of Granen in Spain, home to 2,000 residents, is celebrating following the news that every person who contributed €20 to a lottery fund would be able to share in a massive €720 million lottery win. This means that each villager was able to enjoy €400 million in time for Christmas. Villagers reportedly took to the streets of Granen to celebrate the win, popping champagne bottles and hugging one another. But there’s a down side to this win. Two hundred villagers opted not to contribute to the lottery fund – and they won’t be able to share in the prize…. Bummer!

A Spaniard with a parrot perched on his shoulder saunters into a bar. A customer says: “Wow, he’s really lovely, where did you find him?” “In Spain,” replies the parrot. “They have millions there.”

A blonde was sitting on a bus reading the newspaper when all of a sudden she starts to cry. A Spanish guy sitting next to her asks what’s wrong and she replies that 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed during a drug bust. The Spanish man agrees that the news is very sad. After a while, the blonde asks: “How many is a Brazilian?”

A guy arrives in a village in Spain, and begins to advertise a potion which he claims keeps him so young that he is in fact 300 years old. A skeptical farmer approaches one of his assistants and asks: “Hey, tell me, is it true that your boss has lived for 300 years?” To which the assistant answers: “I don’t know. I’ve only worked for him for 200.”

If you have a weak stomach, you may want to avoid reading on… An online gambling website was the successful bidder on a sample of hair belonging to the deceased superstar, Michael Jackson and has decided to turn the hair into a one of a kind roulette ball. The site bought the hair that had been gathered from the bathroom drain of the Carlyle Hotel in New York by an enterprising cleaning lady, and put up for auction – where it eventually sold for over $10,000. The online gambling company which bought the ball of hair said that it felt that it was honoring Jackson appropriately in this unique way to “immortalize a small part of a truly peerless entertainer.” If you say so…

No, I’m not going to put some Michael Jackson jokes up (although there are some pretty funny ones out there), so we’ll go for ew hair jokes today…

“A guy admired the hair of three girls. He walked by one and asked, “How’d you get such lovely blonde hair”
Taking her hand and gently running it through her hair, the girl answered, “It’s natural.”

The guy walked by the second girl and asked, “How’d you get such pretty brown hair?”

Fluffing her hair, the second girl said, “It’s natural.”

Finally the guy approached the third girl and asked, “How’d you get such cool green hair?”

Taking her hand and rubbing it up past her nose, then skimming it through the hair, she said, “It’s natural.”

There are going to be some very angry words for Santa this year when many kids don’t get the present they wanted. Poundstretcher, the bargain UK store, agreed to pull a gambling kit for kids from its shelves, following complaints by social groups and concerned parents. The Telitoy Gamblice device, which featured fake €500 note, was selling for just 99 p, and included dice, plastic chips and banknotes. There are those who argue that games such as Monopoly can also be considered “gambling”, since they contain, dice and banknotes and encourage players to ‘gamble’ on the property market. They may just have a point there…. Merry Christmas in the meantime…

Eight signs that Santa hates your kid:

1. Your kid’s letter to the North Pole comes back stamped, “Dream on, Chester!”

2. Your kid asks for new bike, and gets pack of smokes.

3. Along with presents, Santa leaves a hefty bill for shipping and handling.

4. By the time he gets to your house, all he has left is foam packing.

5. On Christmas day, your kid wakes up with a Reindeer head in his bed.

6. Instead of “Naughty” or “Nice”, Santa has him on the stupid list.

7. Labels on all your kid’s toys read “Straight from Craptown.”

8. Four words: “Off my lap, Tubby!”

Yes, there are still people who fall for those fake lottery scams which claim that they’ve won the Nigerian lottery or something of the sort. You know the ones: “Congratulations, you’ve just won a trillion dollars. Now wire us a couple of thousand to cover the admin fees and we’ll mail you the money.” The giant search engine, Yahoo! got pretty sick of these scammers using their name to promote their so-called lotteries and decided to sue them in a court of law. As such, a federal judge awarded Yahoo! $610 million in damages, which has to be paid by these ‘John Doe’ scammers. Problem is that the bad guys are sitting tight in far off lands and there is practically zero chance that Yahoo! will ever see a cent of the money awarded to them by the court. As such, you can say that Yahoo! just won a fake lottery of its own!

On the subject of scammers:

George and Jack were having their weekly lunch when Jack he suggested a way to get a free lunch.

“You know what Jack, we’ve been coming here for so many years, this place must have made a fortune from us. Not only do we spend a lot of money, we bring in a lot of business!”

“You’re probably right George.”

“So how about, when the bill comes, you insist on paying it!”

“How does that get us a free lunch?”

“Well, then I will insist on paying it, we get into a big fight and eventually you say “That is it! If you don’t let me pay, I will never have lunch with you again.” The restaurant will be so scared of losing out business, they’ll have to give us the meal for free to shut us up!”

“I love it!”

So, at the end of the meal, the waiter comes over with the bill and places it on the table. Jack, will a big grin on his face, takes out his wallet and says;

“I’m paying for the lunch today, George!”

“Thanks Jack, that is very nice of you.”

I read this week – and this is not a joke! – that a social group that supports gambling addiction in the UK, GamCare, has called on the government to teach responsible gambling to children as young as 12. Some of the suggestions made included teaching kids about studying race horses and sports teams before wagering in order to improve odds, as well as how to calculate betting odds. The government as apparently welcomed this move as it says that it will teach kids about coping in an adult world, although the idea has received incredible opposition. One newspaper columnist, clearly against the idea, wrote: “Whatever next – teaching children the responsible use of prostitution to help prepare them for the adult world??”

Teacher: How can you make so many mistakes in just one day?
Pupil: I get up early!

Teacher: What time do you get up in the morning?
Pupil: About an hour and a half after I arrived at school.

Teacher: What would happen if you took the school bus home?
Pupil: The police would make you bring it back!

Mother: Does your teacher like you?
Pupil: Like me? She loves me! Look at all those x’s on my test paper!

Mother: How did you find school today?
Pupil: I just off the bus and it was there!

I’m still trying to figure this one out. A well known and respected poker club in London, the International Private Members Club, had its license revoked by the Hackney Council because… wait for it… too much gambling was taking place. The club has some of the most well-run poker games in the capital, and even its website makes no secret of the fact that it hosts multiple poker games, scrabble contests chess and backagammon. However, the guys down at Hackney Council, between their morning and afternoon tea breaks, decided that since poker was the main purpose of the club, they had to do something effective and revoke the club’s license. By the way, it took these guys 18 months to reach this nuclear-physist-IQ-level conclusion…. And since we’re in a surrealistic world, after this investigation that lasted over a year and a half, and after the hoo-ha of revoking the license, the club can still offer poker games because the decision is being appealed….

And on the subject of mind numbing bureaucracy:

A Department of Agriculture representative stopped at a farm and said to the old farmer, “I’m here to inspect your farm.” The old farmer said, “You’d better not go out in that field.”

The Ag representative said in a demanding tone, “I have the authority of the U S. Government behind me. See this card, I am allowed to go wherever I wish on agricultural land.”

So the old farmer went about his chores. In a few minutes, he heard loud screams and saw the Department of Agriculture rep running for his life, headed for the fence. Close behind, and gaining with every step, was the farmer’s prize bull, nostrils flaring, madder than a full nest of hornets.

The old farmer cupped his hands to his mouth and yelled out, “Show Him Your Card! Show Him Your Card!”