A Roman Catholic clergyman who pilfered funds from his parish’s prayer and gift shop coffers to feed his gambling addiction was sentenced to spend three years in prison and pay back nearly $650,000 to his community. Monsignor Kevin McAuliffe was told by the sentencing judge that he had betrayed people who had depended on him and his request for probation so that he could get counseling and help others with gambling problems was turned down. The judge’s hard line was based on the fact that the good father didn’t exhaust his own savings on his gambling habits, and opted to spend church funds instead. I see the judge’s point but IMHO the ruling was a bit on the harsh side…
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass, he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied,
“When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”
So the next Sunday, he took the monsignor’s advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon returning to his office, he found the following note on his door.
1. Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.
2. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
3. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
4. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
5. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook.
6. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out him.
7. We do not refer to the cross as the ‘Big T’.
8. Recommended grace before a meal is not ‘Rub-so A-Dub-Dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God’.