In honor of those slightly less intelligent beings out there, here’s one courtesy of Jokes4All:

“Two blondes were in a bar watching the TV when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge that was about to jump, obviously suicidal. “I’ll bet you $10 he’ll jump,” said Betty.

And so, in honor of Australian family honor, thanks to ConvictCreations:

A mother had three virgin daughters who all got married on the same day. She asked them to send her a postcard from their honeymoon to tell her how ‘it’ went. The first daughter wrote from Hawaii with just one word on the postcard: “Nescafe”. The mother was confused but went to the Nescafe jar in her kitchen to see the logo written on the jar: “Good ‘til the last drop.” Satisfied that the honeymoon had gone well, the mother read the postcard from the second daughter which said: “Benson and Hedges”. Reading the cigarette box, the mother saw: “Extra Long. King Size.” The mother was pleased that daughter number two was satisfied with her hubby and waited for postcard number three. She waited a week, then two weeks and finally, she received the long awaited postcard which read: “British Airways.”  The excited mother ran to read the BA ad, which said: “Three times a day, seven days a week….”

A company feels that it is time for a shakeup and hires a new, ambitious executive to act as CEO. The exec’s first plan is to get rid of all the slackers in the company. He does a tour of the facilities and walks into a room full of workers. Leaning against the wall is one young man. “You!” says the CEO. “How much do you earn a week?”

“$350,” replies the man. “Why?”

 The CEO yells: “Take $350 and get the hell out of here.”

 The CEO is satisfied with his first firing and, trying to make an impression on the other workers, says: “That’s what you get for goofing around. Now tell me, what did that guy do around here?”

 “Um,” replied one of the workers, “He was the Dominoes Pizza delivery guy.”

 So, a rich man lay dying and called for his vicar, his bank manager and his lawyer. He instructed them that when he died, he wanted each of them to take $50,000 and throw the money on his coffin before he is buried. After the funeral, the three men gather together and the vicar, seized by guilt, suddenly confesses that he only threw half the money onto the coffin. “The church needs a new roof,” he said. The bank manager paused and then said: “Well, since we’re all ‘fessing up here, I should tell you that I also only through half the cash in the hole. The credit crunch is definitely taking its toll.” They all look at the lawyer who says: “Shame on both of you! I threw in a check for the entire amount!”

So four guys are driving in their car down a US highway, one from Maine, one from Vermont, one from Massachusetts and another from Hew Hampshire. Suddenly the guy from Maine yanks a bag of potatoes from the back and throws it out the window. “Why did you do that?” asks the guy from NH. The Maine guy answers: “We have so many of those in our state that I got sick of seeing them.” Then the guy from Vermont decides that he would do the same with the jugs of syrup lying at the back. “We have so many of these jugs lying around our state, I’m sick and tired of seeing them.”

And so… yes… the guy from New Hampshire throws Mr. Massachusetts from the window….”

So, in the spirit of happy marriages:

 A businessman boards a plane and finds himself sitting next to a stunningly elegant woman, wearing the biggest diamond he has ever seen. He can’t help staring at the rock, until the woman notices and offers: “I see you’re looking at my ring. It’s the Klopman diamond. I agree, it’s beautiful, but it has a terrible curse that goes with it.”

 Intrigued, the businessman asked: “What’s the curse?”

The woman sighed and said: “Mr. Klopman.”

According to astronomers, the Perseid Meteor Shower is due to take place between July and August this year, although it reached its peak between the 9^th and 14^th of August.  As Nevada has one of the clearest views of this heavenly spectacle, casinos on the Strip have reported that fewer players than average have graced their floors, with many preferring to see the wave of meteors. So gamblers may even be wishing on their own stars for some extra luck at the slot machines when they back to their favorite haunts!

In honor of our starry theme, here’s one courtesy of CoolScience.org: Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend.  “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”  Watson replies, “I see millions of stars.”  “What does that tell you?”  Watson ponders a minute. “Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?”  Holmes is silent for a moment then speaks. “Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent.”

So here are a couple of definitions of capitalism and corporations that caught my eye:

 American corporation: You have two cows. You sell one and force the other to produce the milk of four. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

 French corporation: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

 British corporation: You have two cows. Both are mad.

 Italian corporation: You have two cows but you don’t know where they are. You break for lunch.

 Russian corporation: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 23 cows. You stop counting and open another bottle of vodka.