A man about to have a heart transplant was offered the choice of either a 26 year-old marathon runner’s heart or the heart of a 62 year-old IRS agent. He picked the agent’s heart because he said it had never been used.

And:

Called in for an audit, Mr. Briggs was confronted by a surly IRS agent. “It says here, Mr. Briggs, that you are a bachelor; yet you claim a dependent son. Surely this must be a mistake.” Looking him straight in the eye, Mr. Briggs replied, “Yup, it surely was.”

New Age Joke #1:

A young woman who was worried about her habit of biting her fingernails down to the quick was advised by a friend to take up yoga. She did, and soon her fingernails were growing normally. Her friend asked her if yoga had totally cured her nervousness. “No,” she replied, “but now I can reach my toe-nails so I bite them instead.”

New Age Joke #2:

Three Yogis are doing meditative in a remote cave. One day a sound is heard from outside the cave. After about six months, one of the yogis says, “Did you hear that goat?” Once again, there was silence. About a year later, one of the other Yogis says, “That wasn’t a goat; it was a mule.” Again, there was silence. About two years later the third yogi says, “If you two don’t stop arguing, I’m leaving.”

And speaking about juries:

“A man was chosen for jury duty who really wanted to be dismissed from serving. He tried every excuse he could think of but none of them worked. On the day of the trial, he decided to give it one more shot. As the trial was about to begin, he asked if he could approach the bench.

“Your Honor”, he said, “I must be excused from this trial because I am prejudiced against the defendant. I took one look at the man in the blue suit with those beady eyes and that dishonest face and I thought, ‘He’s a crook! He’s guilty!’ So, your Honor, I cannot possibly stay on this jury!”

The tired and annoyed judge replied, “Get back in the jury box, you fool.
That man is the lawyer.”

If you’ve got melted chocolate all over your hands, you’re eating it too slowly.

Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

How do you get 2 pounds of chocolate home in a hot car – eat it in the car park.

If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet?

Money talks. Chocolate sings.

Why is there no such organization such as Chocoholics Anonymous? Because no one wants to quit.

A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one go. Isn’t that handy?

And on the subject of trust:

In days of old, when knights were bold, this particular knight was leaving for a crusade and called one of his squires: “I’m leaving for the crusade.
Here is the key to my wife’s chastity belt. If, in 10 years, I haven’t returned, you may use the key as I’m sure she will have needs.”

The knight sets out on the dusty road, armored from head to toe. He takes one last look at his castle and sees the squire rushing across the drawbridge, yelling, “Stop! Stop! Thank goodness I was able to catch you. This is the wrong key!”

 A GT6 pulled alongside a Lamborghini at a traffic light.
“Do you have a car phone?” its driver asked the man in the Lamborghini
“Of course I do,” was the haughty reply.
“Do you have a fax machine?”
The Lamborghini driver sighed. “I have that too.”
“Do you have a double bed in the back?” the GT6 driver wanted to know. Ashen-faced, the Lamborghini driver sped off.
That afternoon, he had a mechanic install a double bed in his car.
A week later, the Lamborghini driver passed the same GT6, parked on the side of the road with its back windows fogged up and steam pouring out. The arrogant driver pulled over, got out of the Lamborghini and banged on the GT6′s rear window. “I want you to know that I’ve had a double bed installed,” bragged the Lamborghini driver.
The GT6 driver rolled his window down and frowned at the Lamborghini driver. “You got me out of the shower to tell me that?”

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass, he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied,
“When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”
So the next Sunday, he took the monsignor’s advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon returning to his office, he found the following note on his door.
1. Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.
2. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
3. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
4. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
5. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook.
6. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out him.
7. We do not refer to the cross as the ‘Big T’.
8. Recommended grace before a meal is not ‘Rub-so A-Dub-Dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God’.

And speaking about humility…

A Rabbi, a Hindu, and a lawyer are in a car. They run out of gas and are forced to stop at a farmer’s house. The farmer says that there are only two extra beds, so one person will have to sleep in the barn.The Hindu says,’ I’m humble, I will sleep in the barn.’ So, he goes out to the barn. In a few minutes, the farmer hears a knock on the door. It’s the Hindu and he says,’ There is a cow in the barn. It’s against my beliefs to sleep with a cow.’ So, the Rabbi says,’ I’m humble, I’ll sleep in the barn.’ A few minutes later, the farmer hears another knock on the door and it’s the Rabbi. He says that it is against his beliefs to sleep where there is a pig and there is a pig in the barn. So, the lawyer is forced to sleep in the barn. A few minutes later, there is a knock on the door. The farmer opens to see the pig and the cow…

And on the subject of Iv(e)ys, but of a different kind, and courtesy of College Confidential:

How many Princeton students does it take to change a lightbulb? Two — one to mix the martinis and one to call the electrician.

How many Brown students does it take to change a lightbulb? Eleven — one to change the lightbulb and ten to share the experience.

How many Penn students does it take to change a lightbulb? Only one, but he gets six credits for it.

How many Yale students does it take to change a lightbulb? None — New Haven looks better in the dark.

How many Harvard students does it take to change a lightbulb? One — he holds the bulb and the world revolves around him.

A billionaire dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates. St Peter asks him: “What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?”

The billionaire thought a moment, then said: “A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street.”

St. Peter asks Gabriel to check this out in the records, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that it was true. St. Peter said: “Well, that’s fine, but it’s not really quite enough to get you into Heaven.”

The billionaire said: “Wait, wait! There’s more! Three years ago, I also gave a homeless person a quarter.” St. Peter nodded to Gabriel who, after a moment, nodded back to affirm that it was true.

St. Peter then whispered to Gabriel, “Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?”

Gabriel gave the billionaire a sidelong glance and then said to St. Peter: “Let’s give him back his 50 centers and tell him to go to Hell.”