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In the ongoing war between those who oppose the toughening of laws governing poker machines in Australia, and those who support it, the mudslinging continues. When Clubs Australia boss Anthony Ball that he had only ever met one problem gambler in his lifetime, anti-gambling MP Andrew Wilkie shot back that he should “get out more” – or, in other words, to get himself a life and find out what the opposition is talking about. I don’t know how this case is going to turn out in the end, but all I can say is that it makes for some very entertaining reading week after week!

Young Angus from Scotland decided to try his fortune in Australia. He packed his bags, bade farewell to his mam from the port and sailed off Down Under. After landing on the shores of Australia, he found himself a small apartment and tried to settle in. After a week, mam calls from Aberdeen and asks how he is doing.

“Fine,” says Angus. “But there are some really strange people in Australia. Take these guys in my apartment block. One woman cries all day, another lies on the floor moaning and the guy next door bangs his head on the wall all day.”

“Laddie,” warns his mam. “You stay away from people like that!”

“Oh, I do!” says Angus. “In fact, all I do is still indoors and play my bagpipes day and night!”

A new casino being built in Natchez, Mississippi might be providing more than entertainment for the local residents. City officials are considering getting the casino to pay for fire protection money for the locals. How this exactly will work, however, is not very clear.

The city’s board of supervisors voted to enter a half million dollar contract with the city of Natchez for fire protections for people living outside of the city limits. The city later increased that request by another $50,000.

Premier Gaming, that manages the new development of the Natchez Casino, pays out 30% in royalties to the county. The country is hoping that this money can be used for fire protection.

The question is asked – why does the casino pay for fire protection? Surely residents can just put up smoke alarms themselves???

And now for some fire jokes:

A nursery school teacher driving kids home one day when a fire engine raced past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire engine was a large dog. The children started discussing the dog’s duties.
“They use him to keep crowds away, “said one kid.
“No,” said another, “he’s their good luck charm.”
A third child came up with the most logical answer. “They use the dogs,” she stated, “to find the fire hydrant.”

Why do firemen wear “red” suspenders? To hold up their pants. Duh.

A Kentuckian came home and found his house on fire, rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, “Hurry over here. My house is on fire!”
“OK,” replied the fireman, “how do we get there?”
“Say, don’t you still have those big red trucks?”

An Australian casino is under investigation for the illegal shuttling of prostitues. The Star Casino complex is suspected of enabling pimps to ‘market’ their women. The investigation is part of reviewing of a licensing renewal for the casino complex.

The Star Casino complex is insisting that it has a ‘zero tolerance approach to prostitution’ but that claim is not supported by the many reports compiled by the casino’s staff. The staff claim that many pimps arrive with women and ply their trade inside the complex with no problems.

The Star underwent a complete $870 million revamp recently and was relaunched in October. It would be a complete shame if all that money was invested and then the license is not renewed…..

And now for dirty joke about a prostitute, don’t read if you get offended….!

One day a prostitute went to file her taxes, and for occupation she put prostitution.
The tax collector explained that prostitution was an illegal occupation.
She said she’d have to go home and think about it and that she’d call him back in an hour with her occupation.
An hour later she called him and said, “I’ve got it… I’m a chicken farmer.”
He said, “How do you get chicken farmer out of prostitution.”
She said, “I raised over a thousand cocks last year.”

The 22-year old German poker player, Pius Heinz, has just won the World Series of Poker and as a result will be walking home with $8.72 million. While referred to as a professional poker player now, six months ago things were very different for Heinz.

The young man, who had been playing poker here and there, was not sure of his direction in life. Before signing up for the WSOP tournament, he was considering whether professional poker was for him, or whether he should go back to college.

We can not be sure if took the poker route to rebel or just because he felt it was his calling – but either way he made a pretty good choice as he is now a multi millionaire, something it would have taken him YEARS to achieve if he was still in college.

And on the subject of college:

A college student said to his mother, “I decided that I want to be a political science major and that I want to clean up the mess in the world!”
“That is very nice,” muted his mother. “You can go upstairs and start with your room.”

A son is calling his mom from college, and telling her that he had just got his degree. The mother says: That’s great honey! What kind of degree? And the son, almost squealing with excitement says: The best one ever, a Celsius degree!

The Kalispell Police Department have reported that there was an armed robbery of a casino on US 2 East this week. The police are asking for all who might recognize the assailants to please contact them. Their very unique description is as follows: skinny, in their twenties, wearing black.
If you, or any of the other billion skinny twenty year olds are reading this, please go hand yourself over to the police, because they are on to you!

And on the subject of robbers:

A group of robbers decided that targeting a lawyers club would be a good idea, because all lawyers are rich, right? The robbers didn’t expect the elderly retired lawyers to put up such a fight and in the end they were fought and chased out of the club.

The gang was relieved to get out of there alive and counted their loot in the parking lot behind the club.

“Great, not bad, we got $25!” said one.

“You idiot!” said the second robber, “I told you to stay clear of lawyers, we arrived with $100!”.

You gotta love the terms of endearment being flung from one side of the gambling arena to the other in Australia’s perpetual pokie war. Recently, a government representative accused the head of Crown Casino, James Packer of “preying” on problem gamblers and the casino boss was so incensed with these accusations that he retorted back: “This perception that the only people that come to Crown are helpless victims and we are just preying on them, I reject that absolutely and that does upset me,” he said. “I think that that is a spin line from the latte set, which is completely wrong.”

And on the subject of latte….

Q: Why is Starbucks removing the trans-fat from their menu?
A: Because they want that Frappacino to pad your ass without clogging your arteries!

Q: Why is Starbucks promising their customers “Your drink should be perfect every time. If not, let us know and we’ll make it right.”?
A: To torture their employees

Q: How did Federal Authorities figure out that there is a complex underground drug smuggling tunnel near the US-Mexico border?
A: It had it’s own Starbucks!

Q: What is the new Starbucks sponsored Paul McCartney song?
A: Latte it Be!

Q: Why can Starbucks get away with charging outrageous prices for coffee?
A: Because they have Italian titles for everything!

A finance student has found an ingenious way to bolster school spirit. Chandler Bator created the site to allow students across 160 schools to play poker against one another. “You compete with other universities, just like sports, and that could definitely be compelling for some students,” said Bator. The site bypasses illegal online gambling, and at the same time creates jobs for at least 25 students. Students pay a flat $20 monthly subscription fee and stand in line to win cash and prizes. Hail to this student entrepreneur – not only for bringing jobs to his pals, but also for spreading the joy of online poker!

And on the subject of students:

A very shy guy goes into a nightclub and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar.

After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, “Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?”

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, “No, I won’t sleep with you tonight!”

Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, “I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I’m a graduate student in psychology and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.”

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, “Two-hundred dollars? What do you mean $200?!!