Uncle Sam Grabs World Series of Poker Winnings

Last week saw the final table of the World Series of Poker tournament take place and the winners took home hefty amounts in the millions. But if we look at the REAL winner of the tournament, it’s undoubtedly Uncle Sam, also known as the US government and specifically its Internal Revenue Service (IRS). The tax authorities took huge chunks out of the winnings of WSOP main table winner Ryan Reiss, whose $8.35 million haul was nearly halved, as well as other winners around the table whose registered residences are in the US or countries that have tax agreements with the US. One guy who managed to snub them all was Sylvain Loosli, who, as a Frenchman, may have had his $2.7 million prize money significantly cut if he was living in his homeland BUT, since his place of residence is now listed as London, he got to keep all his winnings. Guess you can say that Loosli played his hand right!

An auditor from the IRS rang the church and asked to speak to the priest.

“Father,” he said, “is Mr. Tom McNamay a member of your congregation?”

“I can assure you that he is,” said the priest.

“Can you confirm that Mr. McNamay made a $100,000 donation to the church that he claimed in his tax return?”

“I can assure you that he will,” said the priest.

Last Minute Check Leads to $100K Lottery Win

A woman who checked her lottery ticket just hours before the prize was about to expire was stunned to learn that she was the winner of a $100K jackpot. It all began when Kearne Gentry of Virginia, US saw a call by the state lottery for players to check their Cash 5 winning tickets as a big jackpot was hours away from expiring. Gentry decided to act on the lottery’s call for take one last look around their homes and remembered that she had bought a tickets a few months ago… and promptly forgot about it. After checking the numbers, Gentry realized that she was holding the golden ticket and called her husband excitedly to tell him the good news. His reaction? “Yeah, right!” If she hadn’t claimed the funds, the money would have gone to the Virginia Literary fund. Incredibly, since 1988, the Virginia Lottery has transferred over $230 million in unclaimed prizes to this fund!

And on the subject of last minute luck….

A blonde reported for her university final examination that consists of yes/no type questions.

She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the questions for five minutes,and then in a fit of inspiration, takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet “yes” for heads and “no” for tails. Within half an hour, she is all done where as the rest of class is sweating it out.

During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating.

The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and says, “what is going on?”

The blonde replies: “I finished the exam in half an hour. But I’m rechecking my answers.”

NY Governor Has Dad’s Anti-Gambling Stance Come Back to Haunt Him

T his week, New Yorkers go to the polls to vote on whether or not to support Governor Andrew Cuomo’s proposal to add seven new casinos to the state. As opposition groups step up their efforts to fight the proposal, one of them has dug around in old archives and published the opinions of Cuomo’s dad – former Governor Mario Cuomo – on gambling. The 30 second ad, run by the Committee Against Proposition 1 – hears Cuomo senior saying that gambling is “economically regressive to a state and community” and that “casinos change communities”. He is quoted as saying that gambling “doesn’t generate wealth, it just redistributes it.” A statement from daddy’s office was immediately issued, saying that Mario Cuomo has changed his mind since the 1990s because a lot has happened over the years. Talk about the sins of the fathers…
Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman.”

“The priest asks, “Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?” 

“Yes, Father, it is.” 

“And who was the woman you were with?” 

“Sure I can’t be tellin’ you, Father. I don’t want to ruin her

“Well, Tommy, I’m sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as
well tell me now. Was it Brenda O’Malley?” 

“I cannot say.” 

“Was it Patricia Kelly?” 

“I’ll never tell.” 

“Was it Liz Shannon?” 

“I’m sorry, but I’ll not name her.” 

“Was it Cathy Morgan?” 

“My lips are sealed.” 

“Was it Fiona McDonald then?” 

“Please, Father, I cannot tell you.” 

The priest sighs in frustration. “You’re a steadfast lad, Tommy
Shaughnessy, and I admire that, but you’ve sinned and you must
atone. You cannot attend church for three months. Be off with you now.” 

Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, 

“What’d you get?” 

“Three month’s vacation and five good leads” says Tommy.

Lindsay Lohan in Trouble with Connecticut Casino

Seems that Lindsay Lohan just cannot stay out of trouble. The starlet was recently paid north of $50K to host a Halloween party at Foxwoods Casino in Connecticut last week, however, she was so late in arriving that the casino is now demanding a chunk of the money back. Lohan was due to begin her stint at 10 pm but she only rocked up at 11.43pm. And instead of posing on the red carpet as was required from her according to the contract, she stalked right into the party, ignoring her fans and refusing to sign autographs. Foxwoods Casino (quite rightly so) feels that Lohan didn’t do $50,000 worth of work and wants to renegotiate the contract. Good luck guys: This lady always seems to get her own way….

Q: What’s the title for the new sitcom starring Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan?

A: “Two and a Half Grams”

Q: How do you know your playing a tennis match with Lindsay Lohan?

A: Your opponent tries to snort the service line!

Q: How did Lindsay Lohan pass her court ordered drug test?

A: They couldn’t find any urine in her cocaine!

Q: What’s a bigger lie than Lindsay Lohan pleading “Not Guilty”?

A: Charlie Sheen pleading to be sober & a feminist.

Q: How bad is Lindsay Lohan’s meltdown?

A: So bad Al Gore is making a documentary about it! 

Disney Tries to Ignore Online Gambling Connections

Walt Disney Corp is set on reflecting its family-friendly-wholesome-50’s-style image and, for the most part, it works. However, the group seems to have gotten itself a bit tangled up in the Florida gambling expansion debate and is struggling to find a way out. Disney is one of the strongest opponents of the introduction of mega-casino resorts in the Sunshine State, however, a recent New York Times article showed just how hypocritical this opposition really is. When Disney acquired Marvel Entertainment in 2009, it was fully aware that the company had signed long term licensing deals with a number of online casino software providers such as Playtech, allowing them to create superhero themed slot games such as IronMan and Superman, based on Marvel characters. So, in technical terms, all Marvel comics slots are available because of Disney. How do they explain away THAT connection?

Gambling law expert, Robert Jarvis put it beautifully: “Hypocrisy is in the eye of the beholder. If they [Disney] were honest, they would just come out and say, it’s Business 101. We’re trying to protect our turf, and we’ve always attempted to do that.”

And on the subject of hypocrites:

A big, burly man visited the pastor’s home and asked to see the minister’s wife, a woman well known for her charitable impulses. 
“Madam,” he said in a broken voice, “I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pays their rent, which amounts to $400.”
“How terrible!” exclaimed the preacher’s wife. “May I ask who you are?”
The sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief to his eyes. “I’m the landlord,” he sobbed.

Clerical Lottery Error Leads to Charges of Violence

Here’s one guy who can be termed a sore loser. Michael Sullo of Long Island regularly played the same lottery numbers every week, and last Friday was no exception. When he checked the results, he realized that he was holding a $250 winning ticket and went in to claim his prize. It was in the store that he realized that the clerk had accidentally entered the wrong number in to the computer, and Sullo missed out on the $250 by one digit. The clerk very kindly offered to pay Sullo half of what he was meant to win, but the man was so mad that he followed the clerk in his car, pulled out a box cutter and threatened him until he was forced to hand over the full amount that he missed out on. The result? An arrest, charges of robbery and criminal possession of weapon… sore loser, or what?!

A sad man walks into a bar, and the bartender asks him what the problem is.

“My life is awful,” the man says. “Every night, I play Trivial Pursuit with my wife, and every night she beats me.”

“Well, why don’t you just stop playing Trivial Pursuit?” the bartender asks.

“I love the game,” the man says. “I’m a genius. I never lose.”

The bartender is confused. “I thought you just said your wife beats you.”

“Well,” the man says, “she’s a sore loser.”


Huron Casino Heist in Sixty Seconds

Wanna bet this was an inside job? A casino in Huron, US was the scene of a robbery on Friday morning and the robbers made off with nearly $15,000. According to police, they watched surveillance footage handed over to them by the Happy Jacks Casino, and saw that two men entered the back door of the casino, making their way immediately to the safe. Within sixty seconds, the men were out of the gambling location with $15K in their back pocket. How did they gain entry into through the back door? How did they know where the safe was? How did they know the code of the safe? Guess they don’t call me Sherlock for nothing…

Bank Heist Joke…

A robber makes his way into a busy city bank and holds his gun up to the cashier saying: “Give me all your money, or you’ll be GEOGRAPHY!”

The cashier can’t help laughing and says: “You mean to say HISTORY!”

The robber yells back: “Don’t change the subject!”

… And Bank Heist True Story…

In Bowie, Maryland USA, a robber entered a bank and gave a teller a note demanding cash. After his demand was honoured, he fled. Upon returning home, he was amazed to find the police waiting for him.  It appears he had written the note on the back of his bank deposit slip.


Soap Sud Spectacle Hits Washington Casino

This one brought a smile to my face: A prankster decided to entertain visitors to the Tulalip Resort in Washington in a very original way. On Friday evening, he snuck up to the fountain outside the casino and dumped detergent inside. Visitors were treated to a view of piles of suds high above the famous Tulalip Casino sign and traffic officers reported on backup on the nearby I-5 as travelers stopped to gawk at the strange spectacle which only subsided the following day. Now that’s what I call good, CLEAN fun!

One Sunday morning a minister and a choirboy were getting the church ready for mass. The minister prepared his sermon while the choirboy filled the holy water fountain.
Suddenly, the choirboy burst into the minister’s room and yelled, “Father, Father, I just saw the most amazing thing! I filled the holy water fountain. Then a man came in on crutches. He moved to the fountain, dipped his left hand in the holy water, blessed himself and threw away his left crutch. Then he dipped his right hand in the holy water, blessed himself and threw away his right crutch. Then he turned to me… and he took a step forward.”
The minister was awe struck by what he just heard. “My boy, he said, you just witnessed a miracle from God! Where’s this man now?”
The Choirboy replies…
“Flat on his face in front of the holy water fountain”!

Lottery Winner Claims He’s Unlucky with Numbers

If I happened to win GBP 1.6 million in not one but TWO lottery draws, let’s just say that the last thing I’d call myself was ‘unlucky’.  But that’s just what property developer, George Traykov considers himself – despite winning a life changing sum of cash in the UK Lottery.  The reason for the fact that Traykov thinks that he is ‘unlucky with numbers’ is that he missed out on winning the GBP 12 million EuroMillions jackpot by a single number – something that made him mad!  On his first lottery win, it took Traykov a full 2 months to bother to check his tickets, and he even went skydiving with the ticket in his pocket!  Here’s hoping that some of his ‘bad fortune’ will rub off on the likes of me …

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you 800 dollars to drop that towel that you have on.” After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her 800 dollars and leaves. Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower “Who was that?” “It was Bob the next door neighbor,” she replies. “Great,” the husband says, “did he say anything about the 800 dollars he owes me?”

Green Kiwis Threaten to Spoil Casino Entertainment

The term that springs to mind when you read about the New Zealand Green Party’s plans for casinos is “spoil sports”. According to a party spokesman, if the party is elected to government, it has big plans to place a giant dampener on the country’s gambling industry including banning casinos from offering free car parks, cheap drinks and other perks. In addition, anyone using an electronic gaming machine will need to use a pre-commitment card which sets limits on how much can be spent. Guess which segment of the population won’t be popping a green card into the election box…?

Complements of justcommodores.com.au forum:

A Kiwi walks into the local unemployment office, marches straight up to the counter and says, “Hi! I hate being on welfare, I’d really rather have a job.”

The clerk behind the Centrelink desk says, “Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You’ll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he’ll supply all of your clothes.

Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You’ll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You’ll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage.

The starting salary is $200,000 a year”.

The Kiwi says, “You’re bull****ting me!”

The Centrelink officer says, “Yeah, well, you started it”.