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Gamblers Have a Brain!

admin — Sun, 09 May 2010 22:17:40 +0000

Remember those guys who spent hundreds of man hours and millions in research money telling us that gambling is a pleasant pastime? Well, these geniuses have come up with another revolutionary discovery – this time that a near-miss at the slot machines or other gambling devices still provides a rush for gamblers. According to the new ‘ground-breaking’ research from the United Kingdom, “the near-miss rush, while mild among recreational gamblers, is almost as intense a rush for the brain as an actual win…” I know I say this too often, really I do, but I can’t resist it this time. DUH!!! I mean, do they really think that they discovered the Holy Grail by telling us that it’s that ‘near-miss’ feeling that keeps us coming back for more? That’s what gambling is all about, and we don’t need geeky lab rats to tell us that!

A guy goes to Vegas and wins $500,000 at the blackjack tables. He doesn’t want to share his good fortune with his wife, so he creeps home, digs a hole and buries the loot in his backyard. The next morning he wakes up and finds that the money is gone, with footsteps leading to his deaf-mute neighbor’s home. The enraged player hauls out a gun, goes to another neighbor (who happens to understand sign language) and together they enter the deaf-mute’s home. “Tell this guy that if he doesn’t tell me what he did with my cash, I’m going to kill him,” says the gambler. The neighbor signs to the deaf-mute who replies, “Ok, ok, tell him it’s under my bed.” To translator turns to the gambler and said: “He’s not going to tell you. He said he’d rather die first!”

Forgive me Father for I have Gambled

admin — Thu, 29 Apr 2010 10:28:42 +0000

Oh, the irony! You’ve just got to love the guys at Paddy Power for thinking of the most outrageous marketing stints. Reminds me of the days when Golden Casino online casino would pull similar stunts in the US market (remember Britney Spears’ pregnancy test and the grilled cheese sandwich in the shape of the Virgin Mary??). This time, Paddy Power paid £10,000 to have its name placed on a new confession box at Our Lady and St Etheldreda Church in the racing town of Newmarket, Suffolk. All that the church could say about the matter was that it had never before been approached to have a confession box sponsored, and certainly not by a gambling firm. Now fancy that! “It’s a great fit and perhaps over time confessing your sins in a Paddy Power confession box will become a tradition for race-goers,” said the Irish bookie.

So in honor of the Irish for bringing us Paddy Power: On St. Patrick’s Day, an Irishman stumbles out of the pub and drives home, dangerously weaving through lanes. He is pulled over by a cop who asks him where he’s been. “Te de pub,” mumbled the driver. “That’s obvious!” retorts the cop. “And did you know that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?” “Oh, thank goodness!” said the drunk. “For a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf.”

Lighten Up Mr. Xenophon

admin — Tue, 27 Apr 2010 17:27:01 +0000

Okay, I know I sometimes go on too much about these holier-than-thou politicians who think they can impose their anti-gambling views on us simple folks, but sometimes they really do go too far. Take the oddly named Senator Nick Xenophon from Australia whose latest whine is to ban mobile phone applications that mimic slot and poker machines because kids might learn how they work. “Kids can become poker machines experts years before they are legally allowed to set eyes on a real machine,” said the Senator. I mean, COME ON, Mr. Xenophon. Next you’ll be wanting to ban toy cars in case kids learn driving techniques before they reach the legal age! Lighten up, my man!

So a guy walks into a casino and sees three men and a dog sitting around a poker table intensely involved in a game. He stands back, enthralled as the dog played with amazing abilities far beyond any human was.

“That’s an amazingly smart dog,” said the man to the poker players around the table.

“Nah,” said a fellow player. “He’s not that smart.”

“But it’s a DOG. Playing POKER,” insisted the man. “Why do you say he isn’t smart?”

“Well… see here,” said the poker player. “Every time the dog gets a good hand, he wags his tail…”

Tiger Finds Himself in the Woods

admin — Tue, 09 Mar 2010 18:43:27 +0000

I’m not usually one to mock the misfortunes of others. But – honestly! – nobody can say that Tiger Woods didn’t see it coming! The golfing icon didn’t REALLY expect his lovely Elin not to find out about his sordid affairs with no less than twelve lasses. And in the same vein, does he really expect his sponsors to sit around waiting for him to make up his mind about his date of return to the green? So, if I were Tiger Woods, I wouldn’t dismiss too lightly Paddy Power’s offer of a 5 year sponsorship deal that would have Mr. Woods endorse the sports betting group’s products for a massive $75 million. What’s wild is that the golfer’s agent says that they are “not involved in any discussions to add to his sponsorship portfolio at this time.” Come on, man, by the time this whole affair thing is over, there may not BE a sponsorship portfolio. Methinks that Tiger may be making yet another bad decision…

So, while we’re at it having a go at Tiger Woods, we’ll tell you about the time that the Pope and Woods died on the same day and because of an administrative mix up the Pope went to hell and Tiger Woods went to heaven. The Pope explains the situation to the administrative clerk in hell, and after checking the paperwork admits that there is an error.

“However”, the clerk explains, “it would be 24 hours before it can be rectified”. The next day the Pope is called and Hell’s staff bids him farewell. On the way up, the Pope meets Tiger Woods coming down from heaven and they stop to have a chat.

“Sorry about the mix up”, apologizes the Pope.

“No problem” replied Tiger Woods.

Pope: “I am really anxious to get to heaven.”

Tiger: “Why is that?”

Pope: “All my life I have wanted to meet the Virgin Mary.”

Tiger: “You’re a day late.”

Not Quite $2 Million

admin — Wed, 03 Mar 2010 20:29:47 +0000

Did you happen to hear that G4 cable channel has decided to pull the plug on the reality online poker show “2 Months, $2 Million”? You know – the show where they stick four young poker pros in a luxury Vegas pad and tell them that they have 2 months to make $2 million playing online poker. Amazingly, the guys in the show are surprised that they are not bringing it back next season. Could it be because they didn’t actually MAKE the $2 million? Could it be that they didn’t even make $1 million? Or even better, that they barely managed to scrape past the $500 million mark? Maybe it was because of spending two months doing nothing but playing poker, surrounded by strippers and good food, that their senses went kind of numb. So that’s the end of “2 Months, $2 Million” – at least for now.

So in honor of poker, here are a couple of funny one-liners you might enjoy:

Q: How do you get a professional poker player off your front porch?

A: Pay him for the pizza.

Q: What’s the difference between a professional poker player and a large pepperoni pizza?

A: The pizza can feed a family of four. (Ouch!!)

Q: What’s the difference between a poker player and a dog?

A: In about ten years the dog quits whining.

Beshear Begs for Gambling

admin — Fri, 19 Feb 2010 11:35:54 +0000

I found it highly amusing to read this week that Kentucky Governor Steve Beshear was reportedly trying to “breathe life” into a proposal that would see race tracks in the state introduce video slot machines. This Beshear is the same guy who was screaming the evils of online gambling from the rooftops only last year and even had the chutzpah to seize the domain names of no less than 140 online gambling sites. He almost got away with it before he was overruled by a higher court. Not one to give up, and certainly impassive to taxpayers money, Beshear took the case to the State Supreme Court, where a ruling is pending. So what gives? Why is Beshear suddenly singing praises to the introduction of video slot machines in the state? Could it be that the good man’s moral judgment has been blinded by the $780 million in revenue that Kentucky will see by legalizing video slots?

So, in the spirit of selling one’s soul (and so forth) to the highest bidder, I’ll end off with a funny one I heard this week: “A man comes home to find his wife packing her bags. “Where are you going?” demands the surprised husband. “To Las Vegas! I found out that there are men that will pay me $500 to do what I do for you for free!” The man pondered that thought for a moment, and then began packing HIS bags. “What do you think you are doing?” she screamed. “I’m going to Las Vegas with you… I want to see how you’re going to live on $1000 a year!””

In Celebration of the Chinese Gambling Crackdown

admin — Fri, 08 Jan 2010 16:22:55 +0000

Forget the Iranian nuke threat. Forget the recession. Forget population explosion. The Chinese authorities have been incredibly busy coming up with their grandest scheme of all – a major crackdown on what they term “rampant” online gambling. Until now, of course, online gambling in China was a piece of cake. All you had to do was try running a site and you’d meet the firing squad at dawn. So, now the guys in the Ministry of Public Security have decided to gather together no less than EIGHT other government agencies in a bid to crack down even harder on internet gamblers. Problem is that these guys are going to have to go after 384 million users (!) and so we presume the guys running nine agencies involved in this “bust of syndicates” will be away from their desks for the next couple of years.

Of course, when it comes to bringing in fast cash to the country’s coffers through the Chinese National Lottery , the ‘evils’ of gambling will be forgotten and these agencies will turn the other cheek. So in celebration of lotteries, I’ll end off with a joke I heard this week:

Chen comes running into his home and shouts to his wife: “Lin, Lin. I’ve won the lottery! Pack your bags quick!”

An excited Lin throws up her hands in delight and exclaims: “How wonderful! Should I pack clothes for warm or cold weather?”

Chen shouts back. “I don’t care – as long as you’re out the house by tonight!”