And speaking about sneaky….

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.

“Hey, girls,” says the brunette, “Let’s go home early tomorrow. She’ll never know.”

So the next day, they all leave early right after the boss does.

The brunette gets some extra gardening done.

The redhead goes to the salon.

The blonde goes home to find her husband cheating with her female boss!

So, the blonde quietly sneaks out of the house.

“That was fun,” says the brunette the next day. “We should do it again sometime.”

“No way,” says the blonde. “I almost got caught.”

“Aging Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl’s old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor’s office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be. “On a woman,” the doctor said, “your heart would be just below your left breast.”

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee. ”

Courtesy of Sport Joke Café:

One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, with no scuba gear on whatsoever. The diver went below another 10 feet, but the guy joined him a minute later. The diver went below 15 more feet, a minute later, the same guy joined him. This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalkboard, and wrote, “How the heck are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?” The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and wrote, “I’m drowning, you moron!

A Blonde who was down on her luck decided to raise some money by kidnapping a kid and holding him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, “I’ve kidnapped you.”
She then wrote a note saying:
“I’ve kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground.
Signed, A Blonde.”

The Blonde pinned the note to the kid’s shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.
The next morning the Blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. She opened up the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said,
How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?

First vampire: I live on garlic alone.
Second vampire: Anyone who does that should live alone
First witch: Why do you keep throwing bunches of garlic out of the window?
Second witch: To keep the vampires away.
First witch: But there aren’t any vampires round here.
Second witch: See, it works doesn’t it
Did you hear about the man who ate 106 cloves of garlic a day?
He was taken to hospital in a coma.
Doctors said it was from inhaling his own breath

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents. At bedtime, they knelt beside their beds to say their prayers. The youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs: “I PRAY FOR A NEW BIKE AT CHRISTMAS. I PRAY FOR A NEW IPOD AT CHRISTMAS. I PRAY FOR A NEW WII AT CHRISTMAS….”
His older brother poked him in the ribs and said: “What are you yelling for? God isn’t deaf!” To which his brother replied: “I know. But Gramma is!”

And on the subject of the power of the EC:

“The European Commission has announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU, rather than German, which was the other contender. Her Majesty’s Government conceded that English spelling had room for improvement and has therefore accepted a five-year phasing in of “Euro-English”.
In the first year, “s” will replace the soft “c”. Sertainly, this will make sivil servants jump for joy. The hard “c” will be dropped in favour of the “k”, which should klear up some konfusion and allow one key less on keyboards.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome “ph” will be replaced with “f”, making words like “fotograf” 20% shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent “e” is disgrasful.
By the fourth yer, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing “th” with “z” and “w” with “v”.
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary “o” kan be dropd from vords kontaining “ou” and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and everivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. ZE DREM VIL FINALI COM TRU!” www.davidbrown.co.uk

And while we are on the subject, this is a true story about another very dumb crook:

A guy walks into a store, puts a $20 bill on the counter and asks for change.
The store keeper opens the till and the guy suddenly pulls out a gun and demands all the cash in the register.
The store keeper obliges fast and shoves the money into the crook’s hands.
The crook grabs the cash, leaving his $20 on the counter and runs from the scene of the crime.
The problem – for the crook, that is – is that there was only $15 in the cash drawer. Talk about crime not paying!

He’s a joke about cheating of a different kind…courtesy of Jokes4All:
A woman was cleaning her husband’s dresser drawer when she found 3 golf balls and a box with $2000 in it. She waited for him to come home from the golf course to ask him why these things were hidden in his dresser drawer.

The husband said “I’m sorry I hid this from you but the truth is every time I cheated on you over the last 30 years I put a golf ball in the drawer.”

The wife was very upset at first but after thinking about it said: “I guess 3 times in 30 years is really not that bad! Oh by the way what is the $2000 in the drawer? The husband replied: “Well every time I got to a dozen balls I sold them.”

Courtesy of AhaJokes:

The phone rings at FBI headquarters.