I had a good laugh yesterday reading how authorities in Harris County, Georgia dealt with complaints about gambling machines in several locations. Citizens called the police after saying that they (gasp) saw real money being paid out on popular casino games at gas stations and pool bars. The law enforcement authorities decided to pull a daring midday (!) raid on eight different locations simultaneously. The funny part (IMHO) is that they had to call in the Metro Narcotics Task Force to help. Not because there were drugs involved, of course – only because Harris County didn’t have the manpower to conduct such a large scale raid! Remember, we’re talking about eight locations here…. To cut a long story short, $60K in cash was seized, as well as 60 gambling machines. And, no, there weren’t any drugs found….
Courtesy of AhaJokes:
The phone rings at FBI headquarters.
“Hello? I’m calling to report my neighbor, Clifford. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!”
“Thank you very much for the call, sir.”
The next day, FBI agents descend on the neighbor’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at the neighbors and leave.
The phone rings at the neighbor’s house. Hey, Clifford, did the FBI come?” “Yep.” “Did they chop your firewood?” “Yep.” “Great, now it’s your turn to call. I need my garden plowed.”
Remember how I reported a couple of weeks ago about the Archdiocese in Edmonton, Canada who placed a ban on the local Catholic School District accepting money from gambling sources, including the lottery? I also predicted that the guy didn’t stand a chance in, er, hell to get this ban enforced. And here we see the news that the October 1st deadline has come and gone – and Archbishop Richard Smith has had to announce that a status quo will remain until ‘replacement funding’ can be found. And since nobody is rushing out to sign over seven digit checks to the archdiocese, I guess this will be an indefinite arrangement. Catholic schools and organizations earn literally millions of dollars each year through the Alberta lottery and if these funds suddenly dried up, they would really be in dire straits.
Courtesy of InnocentEnglish.com:
A college drama group presented a play in which one character would stand on a trap door and announce, “I descend into hell!”
A stagehand below would then pull a rope, the trapdoor would spring, and the actor would drop from view.
The play was well received. When the actor playing the part became ill, another actor who was quite overweight took his place. When the new actor announced, “I descend into hell!” the stagehand pulled the rope, and the actor began his plunge, but became hopelessly stuck. No amount of tugging on the rope could make him descend.
One student in the balcony jumped up and yelled:
“Hallelujah! Hell is full!”
I heard that Canadian gamblers got a huge shock this week when they were told by some of the favorite sites that they wouldn’t be able to play there anymore. At the time of going to press, these sites included bwin, Casino Club and Paddy Power – all powered by Boss Media software group. After doing a bit of investigation of my own, I was left feeling as perplexed as ever. Apparently, an email was sent to the players saying that “due to the introduction of new regulations”, they would not be able to download and play the games at these sites anymore. So here’s a question I’m posing to Boss Media: WTF??? What new regulations are you guys talking about? There have been no new regulations in Canada to speak of regarding the country’s online gambling laws. I’m dying to learn what’s behind all of this….
So, in honor of software companies doing slightly crazy things:
“The Director of a software company proudly announced that a flight software developed by the company was installed in an airplane and the airlines was offering free first flights to the members of the company. “Who are interested?” the Director asked. Nobody came forward. Finally, one person volunteered. The brave Software Tester stated, ‘I will do it. I know that the airplane will not be able to take off.’”
Oh dear! A member of the Australian parliament has been forced to resign after he was caught using his office computer to trawl adult and online gambling sites. Paul McLeay was forced to resign, after he was rapped by the Premier for his behavior. After saying that this was not the behavior she expected of a Minister, Premier Kristina Keneally then went on to say: “Some people may choose to undertake similar activities in their personal lives, but I cannot condone the use of parliamentary resources by a minister in this way.” So let me get this clear. It’s totally ok to watch porn and gamble online if you’re at home but you should maybe give it a break when you hit the office. What a cool premier! The red-faced Labor MP could only mumble an apology to his wife and family…
And so, in honor of Australian family honor, thanks to ConvictCreations:
“An old Australian lies dying in his bed. He calls over Shirley, his faithful wife of 60 years, and says, “Shirl, when we started out, tried to buy a business in the depression, went bust: you were with me” “Oh, yes, Bruce”, she says. Then the war started, I joined up, and was sent to the front line, where I lost me legs. You stayed with me.” “Oh yes, Bruce” she says. “Then, came home, couldn’t get a job, due to me disability, and bought a farm.” “Oh, yes, Bruce”, she says. “The farm flooded, then just when we got over that, there was a bushfire, and then the drought, which wiped us right out: you still stayed with me.” “Oh yes, Bruce,” “Now here I am, in excruciating pain, about to die, useless and you’re still with me.” “Yes Bruce.” “Shirl.” “Yes, Bruce?” “You’re bloody bad luck”
You’d think that if a state government is going to spend hundreds of millions of dollars on a program to tackle problem gambling, we’d be seeing results by now. However, the Victorian government in Australia came under heavy fire this week after it was found that a $132 million program launched in 2006 called “Taking Action on Problem Gambling Strategy”, showed “little or no evidence to suggest the initiatives in this audit would be effective.” Among the downfalls were the lack of targets set to measure whether the strategies had been effective and the fact that all those little bling things that they put on pokies to warn gamblers of the time were simply useless in preventing problem gambling… now fancy that..!
So… An Englishman decides that he wants to become an Irishman and goes to his doctor to find out how to go about it. The doctor hums and haws and says eventually: “Well, this is a very delicate operation and a multitude of things can go wrong. The procedure entails removing half your brain.” The Englishman thinks about this and then says: “That’s OK. My dream has always been to be Irish. I’ll take the risk.”
On the day of the operation, something goes horribly wrong and the Englishman wakes up to find the doctor looking over him in horror. “I’m so sorry,” laments the doctor. “In error, I removed your entire brain instead the half of it!” The Englishman opens his mouth and says, “No worries, mate!”
I had to rub my eyes in disbelief when I read this morning that Antigua and Barbuda are STILL nagging the United States to compensate them for closing their borders to Antiguan based gambling companies in 2004. When the WTO ruled in Antigua’s favor, the US was ordered to provide compensation and a number of meetings were held over demands and amounts – but nothing ever came of them. The US seems to find this matter highly amusing because how else could you justify keeping Antigua dangling for over six years?! What I find even more unbelievable is the fact that the Prime Minister of the Caribbean state, Dr. Baldwin Spencer said that his country is still committed to a strong relationship with the United States and that he is willing to return to the negotiation tables. He also said that he’d be willing to meet President Obama to discuss the matter. Come ON, Dr. Spencer! If you have the choice of sanctions, and the WTO on your side, it’s time to stop tip toeing around the US and start getting demanding what is due!
And here’s one that seems to sum up the haughty attitude that the Obama administration has taken on the Antigua matter, courtesy of Funny and Jokes: “John McCain, Hillary Clinton, and Barack Obama all die and go to heaven. God looks down from his throne and asks McCain, “Do you think you deserve to be in heaven?”
McCain takes a breath and then replies, “Well, I think so because I was a great leader and tried to follow the words in your great book.” God looks down and then says, “You can sit to my left side.”
So, McCain takes his seat and then God asks the same question to Hillary, “Do you think you deserve to be in heaven?” Hillary thinks for a second and then replies, “I think so because I have been fighting for the rights of so many people for so long.” God again looks down and this time says, “You can sit to my right side.”
Finally God turns to Barack Obama and asks, “Do you think you deserve to be in heaven?” Obama smiled and replied, “I think you’re in my seat.”
It’s not bad enough that the Chinese government practically locks away anybody caught gambling online forever and beyond, the guys in the country’s Ministry of Culture have decided to go one step further. The latest announcement from China is that it will not be permitted to use images of sexuality, violence or gambling to advertise online games. Apparently, it all started when the creators of the game Dahua Xuanyuan used Chinese model Zhang Xiaoya to turn the game into a superb hit. The competitors tried to find their own sexy models to promote their own games, and a new campaign, featuring sex video star, Shou Shou was broadcast to promote the game, Journey to the West. This is where the government jumped in and banned the use of sexuality and violence. And simply so, without any reason, decided to ban images of gambling as well. Sigh.
So, here’s a joke about a couple that may have been watching too many of these banned ads:
A Chinese couple have a new baby. After the birth, the nurse brings them over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, black baby boy. “Congratulations,” says the nurse to the new parents. “What will you name the baby?”
The puzzled father looks at his new child and says “I think we will name him “Sum Ting Wong.”
Police in Israel were surprised to find that one of the guys involved in an illegal internet gambling operation that they busted, was none other than a superintendent from the force’s computer division. The officer in question had been on leave since January this year under suspension – and he was promptly given a further two day extension on this previous suspension as his fellow police officers continue to investigate. This guy may have found the whole thing of busting online gambling sites against his own principles and decided to cross the line and enjoy the anonymity his job gave him. I guess he never figured on getting caught!
Here’s a cool police related joke that I found at MyFunPortal: “A woman and a man are involved in a car accident but it’s a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, “So you’re a man, that’s interesting. I’m a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.”
The man replied,” I agree with you completely. “This must be a sign from God!
The woman continued, “And look at this, here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.” Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man shakes his head in agreement, opens it and takes a few very large swigs from the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, “Aren’t you having any?” The woman replies, “No. I think I’ll just wait for the police…”
In my perpetual quest for the dumbest gambling-related criminal (true, I have no life), poker pro Joran van der Sloot takes the title this week. Remember the guy who was arrested twice in connection with the murder of Natalee Holloway in Aruba in 2005? The guy who everyone knows is guilty but can’t hold him due to lack of evidence? So what would you do if you were him? Keep out of the media, maybe? Lie low? Nah! Van der Sloot decided that he wasn’t getting enough media attention and so he carried out the same crime all over again, this time murdering a poor Peruvian girl, and leaving her body in the hotel room registered in his name. Van der Sloot then crossed the border on the run, but he was arrested in Chile yesterday while on the run. Guess who’s going to be off the poker circuit for a loooooong while!
OK, the following is a true story to highlight the fact that there are dumb criminals everywhere:
An officer in Kansas arrested a man at an airport hotel for trying to pay with counterfeit bills. On the arrest sheet, the following conversation was recorded.
Officer: What is your DOB?
Criminal: What’s a DOB, man?
Officer: When’s your birthday?
Criminal: May 5th.
Officer: What year?
Criminal: Every year, man.
“We will… withstand… penetration by overseas hostile forces…” Are we talking about the script of the latest Star Trek movie here? Perhaps some forgotten war manuscripts uncovered in some dusty Polish archive? Nah. Nothing as dramatic. Just an announcement by the Chinese authorities on their latest plans to stifle the last breath out of the country’s already crushed online gambling industry. So here’s the quote in full: “We will strengthen the blocking of harmful information from outside China to prevent harmful information from being disseminated in China and withstand online penetration by overseas hostile forces,” said the head of the governmental Information Office. Geez, these guys are even going after GOOGLE!?! With literally millions of Chinese gambling online, these guys have quite a job ahead of them…
Charlie and Tommy go into their favorite casino to play the slot machines. They enter the casino and go their separate ways, with the agreement being that once they run out of money, they would wait for the other on the benches on the side of the room. Tommy finishes his bankroll rather quickly and makes s his way to the benches, where he sits and waits… and waits… and waits. Finally, after several hours, he sees Charlie approaching with a HUGE sack of money on his back. “Wow!” exclaims Tommy, “you’ve been lucky!” “Yeah,” says Charlie with a grin, “I found this GREAT machine back there. It’s amazing. You win each time. Every time you put in a dollar, four quarters come out!!”