And on the subject of sports:

One Sunday afternoon, a guy walks into a bar with his pet dog. The bartender said, “Sorry, pal. No pets allowed.” The man replied, “This is a special dog. Turn on the Jets game and you’ll see.” The bartender, anxious to see what will happen, turned on the game. The guy said, “Watch. Whenever the Jets score, my dog does flips.” The Jets keep scoring field goals and the dog keeps flipping and jumping. “Wow! That’s one hell of a dog you got there. What happens when the Jets score a touchdown?” asked the bartender. The man replied, “I don’t know. I’ve only had him for seven years.”

And speaking of driving lessons, these are a few real answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation driving school:

Q. Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A. What for? He can’t see my license plate.

Q. What are the important safety tips to remember when backing your car?
A. Always wear a condom.

Q. When driving through fog, what should you use?
A. Your car.

Q. What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A. I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q. How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A. Heavy psychedelics.

Q. What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A. The color.

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large tray of bread slices. The nun posted a sign on the bread tray, “Take only one. God is watching.”
Further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. One child whispered to another, “Take all you want. God is watching the bread.”

What kind of bread do elves use for sandwiches?
Shortbread

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a slice of bread.
Doctor: You’ve got to stop loafing around.

Courtesy of AhaJokes:
”After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, “Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?”

“Yes,” the golfer responded.

“Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?”

“Yes, I did. How did you know?” he asked.

“Well,” said the policeman very seriously, “Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver’s windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn’t make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?”

The golfer thought it over carefully and responded…

“I think I’ll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb.””

Courtesy of Top Jokes:

“Pastor Brown was driving to church Sunday in his Cadillac when he spied Pastor White riding a bicycle. He stopped and asked, “What happened to your Chevy?”
“Things have been tight lately. I had to sell it to pay the church mortgage.”
“You need to preach on tithing and the importance of sharing one’s wealth with God and Church this Sunday, Pastor White. How do you think I got my new Cadillac?”
The next Sunday he saw Pastor White only this week he was walking. “What happened? Did you have to sell your bike?”
“No,” said Pastor White. “I think one of my parishioners stole it.”
“That’s terrible,” said Father Brown. “This Sunday, preach the Ten Commandments and when you get to ‘Thou Shalt Not Steal,’ lay it on extra heavy. I guarantee your bike will mysteriously reappear.”
Sure enough, the following Sunday Pastor Brown saw Pastor White, and this week he was back on his bicycle.
Pastor Brown said, “See? I told you the Ten Commandments would do the trick.” Pastor White sheepishly replied, “Well, it did help, but not like you thought. When I got to ‘Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,’ I remembered where I left my bike!”

Courtesy of Top Fool Joke Collection: “An Italian man walking along a New Jersey beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden he said out loud, “God, grant me one wish.” Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the God said, “Because you have had the faith to ask, I will grant you one wish.” The man said, “Build a bridge to Italy, so I can drive over anytime I want to.”

God said, “Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the ocean! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me.”

The Italian man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, “God, I have been married and divorced four times. All of my wives said that I am uncaring and insensitive. Here is my wish: I would like to know how to make an Italian woman happy.

After a few minutes God said, “You want two lanes or four on that bridge?””

Here is a strange but true lottery story to end off with:

An 86 year old Canadian woman dreamed that she had won the lottery and was so convinced that she would win that she went out the next morning and bought a lottery ticket. ‘Just in case’, she bought ANOTHER ticket and played the same numbers. Amazingly, the numbers were in fact the winning ones for that week and the pot was for $24 million. Having two tickets on the same numbers saw Mary Wollens take home two thirds of the prize – a whopping $16 million!

In honor of pensioners and courtesy of ComedyZone:
“Dr. Jones goes to the retirement home for his monthly rounds. He sees Joe and asks him, “Joe, how much is three times three?”
Joe responds “59.”
He goes over to Tom and asks, “Tom, how much is three times three?”
Tom responds, “Wednesday.”
He finally goes over to John and asks, “John, how much is three times three?”
“NINE” replies John.
“That’s right,” said Dr. Jones, relieved to find someone still with his wits about him. “Now how did you come to that answer?”
“It was easy,” said John “I just subtracted 59 from Wednesday!”

A blonde woman proudly told her newfound friend. “I’m responsible for making my husband a millionaire!”

The friend looked her up and down skeptically and said: “Really? What was he before he married you?”

The blonde smiled smugly and said: “He was a billionaire!”

Here’s a casino joke courtesy of TCO: “A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in ‘Vegas. She’s down to her last $50. Exasperated, she exclaims, “What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?” A man standing next to her, trying to calm her down, suggests, “I don’t know… why don’t you play your age?” He walks away. Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe she won! He rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd. The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her. The man is stunned. He asks, “What happened? Is she all right?” The operator replies, “I don’t know. She put all her money on 29, and 36 came up. Then she just fainted!”