BonusRating

I’m not into all that New Age mumbo jumbo but I may start changing my mind after reading about a couple from the UK who won the £2.1 million National Lottery because of the power of positive thinking. The couple said that they had been channeling all their positive thinking into their lottery purchases that week after experiencing what they said were a “rotten” 12 months. Among the horrible things that happened to them included losing a close family member and the husband cracking his skull after falling 15 ft from a ladder, leaving him deaf in one ear. But now that their luck has changed, the couple will splurge on a new house, a pair of Mercedes and a cruise, before retiring from their jobs. Good on them! Now excuse me while I go and meditate…

New Age Joke #1:

A young woman who was worried about her habit of biting her fingernails down to the quick was advised by a friend to take up yoga. She did, and soon her fingernails were growing normally. Her friend asked her if yoga had totally cured her nervousness. “No,” she replied, “but now I can reach my toe-nails so I bite them instead.”

New Age Joke #2:

Three Yogis are doing meditative in a remote cave. One day a sound is heard from outside the cave. After about six months, one of the yogis says, “Did you hear that goat?” Once again, there was silence. About a year later, one of the other Yogis says, “That wasn’t a goat; it was a mule.” Again, there was silence. About two years later the third yogi says, “If you two don’t stop arguing, I’m leaving.”

A group of workers in a Canadian factory were devastated when they were handed their pink slips, after the company they worked for decided to close down. But in an incredible twist of fate, only a few days later, the group of 18 won the lottery and will now share a $7 million windfall. Each winner will take home $400,000 – around 15 years of work for each one, which means that they don’t have to worry about finding a job for a very long time! One of the winners, Collin Willard said: “I looked at the numbers and I had to ask somebody to come and look at them because I wasn’t sure if I was reading it right. She said: ‘Oh, you got them all,’ and I started to shake, vibrate in my seat.” Congratulations guys!

And on the subject of unemployment:

On Friday, Bob comes home from a fishing trip with his mate, happy and contented. His wife, who has been home watching the kids all week, besides working full time and running the home, says: “Bob, your boss called and said that you were fired because you didn’t come in all week.”

He replied: “Well, screw that son of a b**”

To which his wife replied: “I did. You go back on Monday.”

The small town of Tallapoosa in Georgia has just 3,000 citizens, and all of them must be frantic with festivities after it was revealed that a winning $77 million lottery ticket was purchased in the town recently. The winner hasn’t yet come forward, and everyone is now guessing who the winner will be. The chances are that if one of their neighbors goes sneaking off into the night without leaving a forwarding address, they’ve got their answer; or it may be the new guy who suddenly BOUGHT Tallapoosa. Of course, it could very well be that the ticket was bought by someone travelling through town… but at least this exciting event gives Tallapoosians something to talk about for many years to come.

You know you’re from a small town when….

You bragged to your friends because you got pipes on your truck for your birthday.

48 year old David Rennie of Canada became a millionaire 36 times over when he hit the Lotto Max lottery this weekend, putting him in the top three biggest British Columbia Lottery Corp wins in history. And while Rennie plans to do some cool things with his newfound wealth, such as buy his parents a townhouse and invest much of it, I had to laugh when I read about one of his other dreams. This burly logger, who – until now – worked in a steel company’s warehouse, wants to buy himself… ten dachshunds! Rennie already owns two and wants to expand the pack because, he claims, “they are good cuddlers.” He also added: “We can afford it, right?” I guess you can after a $35,738,798 windfall!

Courtesy of wienermania.com

“Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying “DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG!” posted on the glass door. Inside, he noticed a harmless old dachshund asleep on the floor beside the cash register. He asked the store manager, “Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?” “Yep, that’s him,” he replied. The stranger couldn’t help but be amused. “That certainly doesn’t look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?” “Because”, the owner replied, “before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him.””

I don’t know whether to snarl at this guy in disgust or smile at his pure chutzpah: Leroy Fick from Bay County, Michigan, recently won $2 million in Michigan Lottery’s Make me Rich! TV show. But instead of going out and celebrating his good fortune, Fick has decided that he will continue to receive food stamps, as he did before the win, after finding a loophole in the law. Lottery winnings are considered liquid assets and not income, and therefore the state’s Department of Human Resources was forced to allow the new millionaire to continue using valuable food stamps – aimed to help struggling low income families. At least the department is “aggressively seeking a change to assure that only those who are truly needy qualify,” according to a spokeswoman. Fick said that since the government took an obscene amount of his winnings for tax purposes, he will continue to assert his right to receive the food stamps. I guess you can’t argue with that.

Courtesy Dr. Knapp’s Jokes:
After being interviewed by the school administration, the teaching prospect said, “Let me see if I’ve got this right……………..
 
 ”You want me to go into that room with all those kids, correct their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse, monitor their dress habits, censor their T-shirt messages, and instill in them a love for learning.
 
 ”You want me to check their backpacks for weapons, wage war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, and raise their sense of self esteem and personal pride.
 
 ”You want me to teach them patriotism and good citizenship, sportsmanship and fair play, and how to register to vote, balance a checkbook, and apply for a job.
 
 ”You want me to check their heads for lice, recognize signs of antisocial behavior, and make sure that they all pass the state exams.
 
 ”You want me to provide them with an equal education regardless of their handicaps, and communicate regularly with their parents by letter, telephone newsletter, and report card.
 
 ”You want me to do all this with a piece of chalk, a blackboard, a bulletin board, a few books, a big smile, and a starting salary that qualifies me for food stamps.
 
 ”You want me to do all this and then you tell me… ”I CAN’T PRAY?”